The Etherphone ringed. "Fiendlip Marlover, tentacle for hire!" As you
probably have guessed, that's moi. I'm a detective for supernatural causes,
and believe me, when I question somebody, he answers. I'm very convincing,
and it surely helps that I look approximately like a ten meter high squid.
"This is Mr.Chaos speaking." "Chaos, old slimepot! Haven't heard of you a millennium or two. Still lost in the nethervoid?" "Shut the hell up! I've got something you sure will like. A broad has stolen me some valuable grimoire. Track her down!"
Well, I took it hook line and sinker. Chaos transferred me some data, and I nearly would have taken the job without charging, because that babe looked definitely appetizing. But rules are rules. (Eh, I don't have to mention that the payment isn't in little green papersheets, AKA Money? I'm already green myself.)
Well, it was childs play to find that wench. Left a trail that even Helen Keller could have followed. Too much hormones in my ichor, I should have realized that this case stank like a whole zombie football team. Well, I waited until we were alone in some abandoned warehouse, then I materialized from the astral plane, sneaked up behind her, laid a tentacle over her eyes and said "Peekaboo!" The girl had spunk, I say. Faster than a greased lightning she jumped back. Too bad I had been holding her red minature bikini with another tentacle. Now she stood there in the raw.
"You're going nowhere, sweetums! Oh, I see you are already dressed for the evening!" "You make me very angry, you oversized portion of calamares! Make up your last will, just in case I get REALLY pissed! Now what do you want?" She hissed, and showed a nice pair of vampire fangs. My guardian devil tried to trumpet me some incoherent info in my brain, but I had only eyes for her udders.
"Ooooh I'm so lovesick, baby! Ever tried how it's like to die from multiple orgasm?" "You don't ask the woman before, eh, Casanova?" "Why should I? I know they loooove it!" "You have big tentacles and an ever bigger mouth!" She smirked inviting and opened her legs. "I wonder how many of your thingies will fit into my pussy...?"
I immediately tried out. With all of my tentacles, I leashed out at her crotch and penetrated her deeply.
Sucker. Rule No 1: Always tie her up first. Her hands shot from behind her back, transformed to claws that made her look like Edward Scissorhands. They swished through the air. In seconds, the bitch had castrated me. Carelessly she pulled my limp tentacles out of her orifices. One had sucked itself onto her clit. "Mmmmh, that tickles. But noone ever managed to fuck with Vampirella and lived to tell."
All fires of hell flashed up in my brain. Of course, the legendary monster mangler, used by monster mothers to scare their kids, evidently no legend at all! I sweared all unholy names down on Chaos.
"Oh, I see my special friend has engaged you. Seems he didn't tell you the whole truth, eh?" Almost tenderly, she scraped with her teeth over my jugular. "Wait...I didn't know...If I had knewn...I meant no harm...You really would have liked it..." I stuttered. "Now fetch yourself some ears, Mr.Dickless Wonder! I'm sure this coupling would have been fun, but I tell you this only once: Before a man fucks a woman, he asks her if she wants to. And before that, he will take her for a dance, and have a formal dinner, and make her some presents, and..." At last, I had collected the energy to make an emergency retreat to the astral plane.
Epilog: My tentacles have regenerated, Inju be blessed. I'll get even with you, Chaos, someday! In the meantime, I'm trying out what Vampirella hammered into me, but the next girl I dated immediately fainted when she saw me, so I had to give her the only treatment I know to bring her back to consciousness. She had a multiple orgasm and passed out again. When she awakes again, in a day or so, I'll offer her a dinner. Oh boy, does feminism make your love life complicated!