"Moon Station to Freightship Venus! Ready for
last Takeoff Checks! Life Support?"
"Captain Ceres here! Life Support is Go!"
"Propulsion Systems?"
"Engineer Uranos here! All Systems are Go!"
"Hey, isn't that very confusing when everything
and everyone is named after planets?"
"Ceres is an asteroid, you education failure!
Now go through with the check before our
systems decide otherwise! Captain Ceres over!"
"OK, OK! Energy shield?"
"110%!"
"Splendid, Glorp! Black Hole powered death ray?"
"I'm not Glorp, I'm Squig! When will you silly
earthlings learn to tell me from my brother?"
"Captain Ceres here! Next one making a stupid joke
will be the first test person for our Black Hole
powered death ray...as soon as it's invented.
Do we have Go for takeoff?"
"Freightship Venus! You have Go! Hangar 3b clear
in 10 seconds! 9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1...opening airlock
...0 and GO!"
"Glorp, step on the Hyperdrive!"
"We haven't that either, Captain, not mentioning
I wouldn't have feet to step on it even if we did!"
"Very good! In that case, I suggest you sloooowly use the
manouvring thrusters instead and try not to scrape off
the Hangar anti-oxidation painting like last time!
Moon Station, we have liftoff! Next planned hail
on passing Space Beacon Alpha in two hours!
Captain Ceres over and out!"
"I'm so boooored!"
"After one hour and fifty minutes already, Glorp?
How on earth did you make it to our homeworld, then?
So, what would you like? A collision with an asteroid?"
"Bah, that thing wouldn't even come close to our
automatic defenses, Captain!"
"How about evil alien pirates? Think about the
interesting things they could do to Squig!" interjected
Uranos. "Make some orifices to please our crew, slimeball,
or we make it ourselves with our laser guns!" he continued
in a low mock Captain Hook voice. "Bah! Earthling males!
Always obsessed with some sick sex fantasy!"
hissed Squig. "I'm a Warrior Amoeba princess, your
fictive evil aliens will run at my sight!"
"Glorp, could you at least have the decency to grow
one pseudopod more than your sister so we can tell
you apart?" insisted Uranos. "Günxmurfl!" swore Glorp,
and that better shouldn't be translated. "Not even
allowing for the fact that calling us brother and
sister is a rather skew anthromorphification, can't
you see that Squigs green protoplasma has a certain
pinkish hue?" "Captains Order: For the next five
minutes, I forbid any racist or sexist jokes, or
else I will get my PMS!"
We'll never know whether Uranos would have donned
some dye-filter glasses to check out Squigs hue,
or if this senseless bantering ever have ended,
because Moon Station chimed in. "RED ALERT! The
position of Space Beacon Alpha has been moved and..."
KER-RANG!
239 red warning lights flashed up unisono after the
collision. Glorp and Squig had the advantage that
they couldn't fall over and were the first to react.
"Argh! Those incompetent idiots! Earth bureaucrats!
The defenses weren't firing because the beacon was
registered as known friendly object. Friendly! HAH!
Severe structural damage! Glorp?" "I already thrown
in reverse back to Moon station - with maximum
tolerable speed so we don't break apart it should
take half an hour!" "$%&§#!!!" swore Squig, which
should not even be transliterated. "The life support
won't make it! In ten minutes we have vacuum on the
bridge! There are two big old emergency space suits but
they also are good for only five minutes of oxygen since
they are leaking!" "Fucking maintenance! Shit! Bugger!
We're all dead!" screamed Uranos.
"Correction: We two are dead!" grumbled Ceres.
"Warrior Amoeba princesses are vacuum-proof."
"Correction of correction! Not entirely: you can throw
us out of the airlock without a suit, which will be
very unhealthy for Earthlings...but still, vacuum will
dehydrate us soon. In that suits, we will probably hold
through until Moon Station but even with some
additional liquid reserve, we'll probably only make
it to a pseudopods width", calculated Squig.
"And since this is a short-distance flight, no liquid
supplies have been loaded, to save weight. Damn that
Earthling Murphy and his law!" Glorp exclaimed.
Then Ceres had a flash of ingenuity.
"Look closely. Do you see a water supply?" "Nope,
nowhere, and no guessing games, Captain, only five
minutes to vacuum!" pressed Squig.
"Silly amoeba! Human do contain not much less water than you!"
"Captain, are you suggesting to cannibalize on you
so we can make it? Hadn't thought humans could be
so unselfish, but we're civilized, and I can't accept
that!"
"On the contrary! I think of symbiosis.
Some of the liquid is rather freely given, and if you
pump your body up with oxygen as long it's still in
the room, and two of us go into one space suit, maybe
we all can make it alive!"
"Oh joy, an interspecies
orgy! I will give my liquids very freely, Squig!"
"Shut up, Uranos, and get into the space suit pronto!
Off with your clothes so there's enough room! Same
goes for me, and don't you ever make a remark!
Only one minute! Glorp, can you engage autopilot?"
"Yes, we're at least that lucky!" "Any contact with
Moon Station, Squig?" "Nope, all antennas gone and they
couldn't send a savior mission anyway in that short
time!" "OK, suck as many oxygen up as you can get
and hop in! Helmet closed! Pray that the engines
hold out!" A tearing noise followed, and all remaining
air escaped to vacuum. "Captain, I'm off into the
medic room. Maybe I can find material to plaster the
worst holes!" "Roger! And I jump into Storage
Container 2C, it can be air-sealed and maybe I get a
low pressure equilibrium this way. Any O2 molecule we
save might make the difference!" Uranos and Ceres
sprinted away in different directions.
"Captain, the O2 gauge is going red rapidly!" "OK, stick a pseudopod in my mouth, I won't bite it off!" "Funny, I always thought Earth women weren't fond of blow jobs?" "Hey, from where did you get your informations?" "Hawt_Alien_Pr0n, the mag for the open-minded amoeba! And I also immediately understood the liquid thingie. Issue 3 said you should be stimulated THERE!" "Wahahaha, stop it, that tickles! What do you think I am, a stimulus-reaction android? MMMMMF!" "Sorry to cut you off, Captain, but the needle just went into the red area! Ah yes, I forgot, Issue 2 said something about some foreplay needed. Aaww, I fear we have to skip the part with the romantic dinner and the flowers, although I wouldn't object to a nice daisyburger now. Say, do you like THIS?" "OMMMPF! MMH! MMMMMMMH!" "I take that as a yes. Scientific note: Subject reacts positive to nipple sucking. Eh, can you give milk?" "MN!" "Thought already so. Too bad. My, I notice you begin to sweat. I better lick that up." "MMMMM! MMMMMMMM!" "Yes. Subject closes eyes and thinks of Earth. Eh, does this still tickle?" "MHHHHH!" "Aha! I better send a letter to H.A.P. that female earthlings should be stimulated clitorally only when already aroused. I think you'll be ready for the penetration step now. Obviously, my pseudopods completely lack the stiffness characteristic for a human penis, so I have to compensate this otherwise. Do you like when I make SO?" "OHM! OHM! OOO!" "Subjects glands produce lots of juices tasting like...eh...whatever, surely not daisyburger. I think this needs closer scientific examination." "OOOOOOOOO!" "Subject shows vaginal contractions and makes orgams noises, mainly composed from the letters O, H and M. Captain, can we repeat this? Captain? Oh, she has fainted from the orgasm. An uncommon reaction according to H.A.P., but not unprecedented. Well, since she's consuming less oxygen that way, I shouldn't try to wake her. Oh boy, she is still dripping wet. I wonder if my sibling gets as much juice from Uranos?"
"Whatchamean, males can't cum all day? My siblings stuff isn't realistic? Guess you better look for some more duct tape then. No, not for you, for the suit!"
"Moon Station to everyone! Alert, Freightship Venus is
coming in like a lame duck with rump on fire!
The ship looks like thrown in a black hole! Keep
the speed, we brake you with a tractor beam!
OK, Airlock closed, Hangar 3c fully pressurized!"
Two figures came staggering out, gasping for air.
"Hey what the...you were two men in one space suit?"
"Captain Ceres speaking. One human and one amoeba each,
to be precise. All being well, but somewhat exhausted."
"Oh yeah, I'm so exhausted, baby." Uranos ripped
off his helmet, too.
"Ceres to Moon Station. Give
us some time to clean up." She shut off the micro.
"Glorp, get out of the suit and out of me...
eh, whatever. It was fun but now you look like
you had an accident with a microwave. Behind
Door 5A over there we have a sanitary room, you can
use it to rehydrate. Squig, same for you!" Squig came
flowing out of Uranos' spacesuit and sighed:
"Will you *ever* learn? *She* is Squig! *I* am Glorp!"
There followed silence, then running feet.
"Oh. Seems Uranos has just found the bathroom
before you, and judging from the noises he makes
I strongly suggest to use 5B instead."
The End