"Moon Station to Freightship Venus! Ready for
last Takeoff Checks! Life Support?"
"Captain Ceres here! Life Support is Go!"
"Engineer Uranos here! All Systems are Go!"
"Hey, isn't that very confusing when everything and everyone is named after planets?"
"Ceres is an asteroid, you education failure! Now go through with the check before our systems decide otherwise! Captain Ceres over!"
"OK, OK! Energy shield?"
"Splendid, Glorp! Black Hole powered death ray?"
"I'm not Glorp, I'm Squig! When will you silly earthlings learn to tell me from my brother?"
"Captain Ceres here! Next one making a stupid joke will be the first test person for our Black Hole powered death ray...as soon as it's invented. Do we have Go for takeoff?"
"Freightship Venus! You have Go! Hangar 3b clear in 10 seconds! 9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1...opening airlock ...0 and GO!"
"Glorp, step on the Hyperdrive!"
"We haven't that either, Captain, not mentioning I wouldn't have feet to step on it even if we did!"
"Very good! In that case, I suggest you sloooowly use the manouvring thrusters instead and try not to scrape off the Hangar anti-oxidation painting like last time! Moon Station, we have liftoff! Next planned hail on passing Space Beacon Alpha in two hours! Captain Ceres over and out!"
"I'm so boooored!"
"After one hour and fifty minutes already, Glorp? How on earth did you make it to our homeworld, then? So, what would you like? A collision with an asteroid?"
"Bah, that thing wouldn't even come close to our automatic defenses, Captain!"
"How about evil alien pirates? Think about the interesting things they could do to Squig!" interjected Uranos. "Make some orifices to please our crew, slimeball, or we make it ourselves with our laser guns!" he continued in a low mock Captain Hook voice. "Bah! Earthling males! Always obsessed with some sick sex fantasy!" hissed Squig. "I'm a Warrior Amoeba princess, your fictive evil aliens will run at my sight!"
"Glorp, could you at least have the decency to grow one pseudopod more than your sister so we can tell you apart?" insisted Uranos. "Günxmurfl!" swore Glorp, and that better shouldn't be translated. "Not even allowing for the fact that calling us brother and sister is a rather skew anthromorphification, can't you see that Squigs green protoplasma has a certain pinkish hue?" "Captains Order: For the next five minutes, I forbid any racist or sexist jokes, or else I will get my PMS!"
We'll never know whether Uranos would have donned some dye-filter glasses to check out Squigs hue, or if this senseless bantering ever have ended, because Moon Station chimed in. "RED ALERT! The position of Space Beacon Alpha has been moved and..."
239 red warning lights flashed up unisono after the
collision. Glorp and Squig had the advantage that
they couldn't fall over and were the first to react.
"Argh! Those incompetent idiots! Earth bureaucrats!
The defenses weren't firing because the beacon was
registered as known friendly object. Friendly! HAH!
Severe structural damage! Glorp?" "I already thrown
in reverse back to Moon station - with maximum
tolerable speed so we don't break apart it should
take half an hour!" "$%&§#!!!" swore Squig, which
should not even be transliterated. "The life support
won't make it! In ten minutes we have vacuum on the
bridge! There are two big old emergency space suits but
they also are good for only five minutes of oxygen since
they are leaking!" "Fucking maintenance! Shit! Bugger!
We're all dead!" screamed Uranos.
"Correction: We two are dead!" grumbled Ceres. "Warrior Amoeba princesses are vacuum-proof."
"Correction of correction! Not entirely: you can throw us out of the airlock without a suit, which will be very unhealthy for Earthlings...but still, vacuum will dehydrate us soon. In that suits, we will probably hold through until Moon Station but even with some additional liquid reserve, we'll probably only make it to a pseudopods width", calculated Squig.
"And since this is a short-distance flight, no liquid supplies have been loaded, to save weight. Damn that Earthling Murphy and his law!" Glorp exclaimed.
Then Ceres had a flash of ingenuity.
"Look closely. Do you see a water supply?" "Nope,
nowhere, and no guessing games, Captain, only five
minutes to vacuum!" pressed Squig.
"Silly amoeba! Human do contain not much less water than you!"
"Captain, are you suggesting to cannibalize on you so we can make it? Hadn't thought humans could be so unselfish, but we're civilized, and I can't accept that!"
"On the contrary! I think of symbiosis. Some of the liquid is rather freely given, and if you pump your body up with oxygen as long it's still in the room, and two of us go into one space suit, maybe we all can make it alive!"
"Oh joy, an interspecies orgy! I will give my liquids very freely, Squig!"
"Shut up, Uranos, and get into the space suit pronto! Off with your clothes so there's enough room! Same goes for me, and don't you ever make a remark! Only one minute! Glorp, can you engage autopilot?" "Yes, we're at least that lucky!" "Any contact with Moon Station, Squig?" "Nope, all antennas gone and they couldn't send a savior mission anyway in that short time!" "OK, suck as many oxygen up as you can get and hop in! Helmet closed! Pray that the engines hold out!" A tearing noise followed, and all remaining air escaped to vacuum. "Captain, I'm off into the medic room. Maybe I can find material to plaster the worst holes!" "Roger! And I jump into Storage Container 2C, it can be air-sealed and maybe I get a low pressure equilibrium this way. Any O2 molecule we save might make the difference!" Uranos and Ceres sprinted away in different directions.
"Captain, the O2 gauge is going red rapidly!" "OK, stick a pseudopod in my mouth, I won't bite it off!" "Funny, I always thought Earth women weren't fond of blow jobs?" "Hey, from where did you get your informations?" "Hawt_Alien_Pr0n, the mag for the open-minded amoeba! And I also immediately understood the liquid thingie. Issue 3 said you should be stimulated THERE!" "Wahahaha, stop it, that tickles! What do you think I am, a stimulus-reaction android? MMMMMF!" "Sorry to cut you off, Captain, but the needle just went into the red area! Ah yes, I forgot, Issue 2 said something about some foreplay needed. Aaww, I fear we have to skip the part with the romantic dinner and the flowers, although I wouldn't object to a nice daisyburger now. Say, do you like THIS?" "OMMMPF! MMH! MMMMMMMH!" "I take that as a yes. Scientific note: Subject reacts positive to nipple sucking. Eh, can you give milk?" "MN!" "Thought already so. Too bad. My, I notice you begin to sweat. I better lick that up." "MMMMM! MMMMMMMM!" "Yes. Subject closes eyes and thinks of Earth. Eh, does this still tickle?" "MHHHHH!" "Aha! I better send a letter to H.A.P. that female earthlings should be stimulated clitorally only when already aroused. I think you'll be ready for the penetration step now. Obviously, my pseudopods completely lack the stiffness characteristic for a human penis, so I have to compensate this otherwise. Do you like when I make SO?" "OHM! OHM! OOO!" "Subjects glands produce lots of juices tasting like...eh...whatever, surely not daisyburger. I think this needs closer scientific examination." "OOOOOOOOO!" "Subject shows vaginal contractions and makes orgams noises, mainly composed from the letters O, H and M. Captain, can we repeat this? Captain? Oh, she has fainted from the orgasm. An uncommon reaction according to H.A.P., but not unprecedented. Well, since she's consuming less oxygen that way, I shouldn't try to wake her. Oh boy, she is still dripping wet. I wonder if my sibling gets as much juice from Uranos?"
"Whatchamean, males can't cum all day? My siblings stuff isn't realistic? Guess you better look for some more duct tape then. No, not for you, for the suit!"
"Moon Station to everyone! Alert, Freightship Venus is
coming in like a lame duck with rump on fire!
The ship looks like thrown in a black hole! Keep
the speed, we brake you with a tractor beam!
OK, Airlock closed, Hangar 3c fully pressurized!"
Two figures came staggering out, gasping for air. "Hey what the...you were two men in one space suit?" "Captain Ceres speaking. One human and one amoeba each, to be precise. All being well, but somewhat exhausted." "Oh yeah, I'm so exhausted, baby." Uranos ripped off his helmet, too.
"Ceres to Moon Station. Give us some time to clean up." She shut off the micro. "Glorp, get out of the suit and out of me... eh, whatever. It was fun but now you look like you had an accident with a microwave. Behind Door 5A over there we have a sanitary room, you can use it to rehydrate. Squig, same for you!" Squig came flowing out of Uranos' spacesuit and sighed: "Will you *ever* learn? *She* is Squig! *I* am Glorp!"
There followed silence, then running feet. "Oh. Seems Uranos has just found the bathroom before you, and judging from the noises he makes I strongly suggest to use 5B instead."