One day a ducked beggar woman knocked at the merchants house, and
Invidia and Avaritia, the vain daughters, would have fed her
with knuckles - not the porcine kind, I say - if Arantxa hadn't
intervened and donated her her own meagre meal.
"God bless you, girl, I see in your future you will marry in silk!",
the crone said. Invidia and Avaritia cackled: "Silk, how utterly
posh! I prefer brocade! No, make that purple!"
Eh, how did you guess so fast the crone was a fay in disguise?
Just the next day, the merchant went off to another business
travel and asked the three girls what to bring for a present.
"A golden ring!" said Avaritia. "Me too!" said Invidia.
"And I want..." Arantxa tried.
"You get nothing, because Daddy is already broke after he bought our presents!" cheered Avaritia and Invidia unisono. "All gold for us! Bug off!" "In that case, bring me a gold bug."
Arantxa wasn't exactly the indulgent type. Maybe she couldn't walk around ritzy, but she wouldn't take any shit from her stepsisters. The meek inherit the earth, my ass.
"Try a silkworm instead or she'll never get her wedding gown!" Avaritia and Invidia gibed while the merchant hastily threw his trusty steed into second gear to avoid another earful of bitching. He really loved all his daughters, but he was of the henpecked variety. One copper penny too many spent on Arantxa, and his second wife Luxuria would get her migraine month.
The deals went along with 300% revenue and the merchant bought his greedy daughters two filigrees that Godzilla could have worn as a cockring. Alas, no bug. It simply was the wrong season. So he went home with a guilty conscience. A days walk from home a thunderstorm caught him, and he had to flee into an ACME Scary Castle. "Anyone home?" the merchant yelled to hide his anxiety, but only the ACME Hollow Echo answered.
And then he saw, caught in a spider web, a nicely conserved
gold bug. "Now that's lucky!" he exulted, ripped it out of
the net, turned around and looked in the eyes of a monster
spider who sneaked up his behind in the meantime for an ACME
dramatic entrance. "Do you know what I do with people that steal
my breakfast?" The merchant nearly shat into his pants, as he
guessed the obvious answer - he would become breakfast.
But he wouldn't have been a merchant if he wouldn't have
tried to bargain. It was hard work.
"Nah. Forget it. Cockrings? Ehm. No. I'm a spider, dummy. Nope. No money. Actually, I'm a handsome prince and the Generic Evil Witch put a spell on me. So, if the happenstance arises of you having an attractive daughter to redeem me... No, I don't take your word. Sorry, nothing personal. I may be a sucker but not of that variety. We make a contract. All highly official. Now there must be some spare lawyer in my dungeon somewhere..."
Later, after a hasty return to home sweet home...
"Oh, such lovely rings! You did WHAT? A monster spider? No way! It happened in search for Arantxas present, so she will go!" Avaritia and Invidia protested angrily. "Daddy, I love you, and I will make the deal square", wept Arantxa, and she went off to meet her fate.
"Arantxa marries a monster spider! Arantxa marries a monster spider!" Avaritia and Invidia chanted in glee. When Daddy, two days later, came to the details with the prince, enchanted, probably rich, which he left out in the first haste, they were not so happy anymore. "Why didn't you tell us firsthand, idiot?" they snarled, mounted a steed and went after her stepsister just in case. Her mother Luxuria joined them, also just in case. When there was a hefty profit lurking, she couldn't renege.
"Um, eh, pleased to meet you, Mr. Spider." "You know...
the usual curse...bla...pityful beauty...blabla...
sacrifice to monster...now somewhere in that damned dungeon
there was a priest, uhm, northeast to the lawyer or what...
I'm getting oblivious..."
So they married formally, and the priest said "Now you may kiss the bride", and the spider said, "I and what lips, dummy?", ripped off her clothes, and wrapped his bride snugly into a silk cocoon that only left the interesting body parts bare. (Which proves again that omens have a tendency to come true in other ways than you think.)
Arantxa thought: "I will not squeal. You can eat my alive
but I will not give you the gratification of hearing me
Big words. After the spider glued a dragline to her nipples and clit and played on it like a violin, Arantxa squealed forever in ecstacy until he had to gag her with another silken contraption to prevent damage to her vocal chords. With pleasure, he slurped her love juices. "Time to sire a heir now, I think." A throbbing vagina greedily welcomed his sperm depositor. "Oh God, I'm pregnant by a monster spider", was Arantxas last conscious thought before she passed out with a final multiple orgasm.
"Eh, shouldn't we now come to the 'SHAZAM!' part?" pondered
the spider, still being a spider.
"SHAZAM! If you insist..." A hag appeared from nowhere, and it was easy to guess it was the same we already met in §2. "No, not you shazam, I shazam! As in Redemption and suchlike?" "Here, read the fine print, your eight eyes are better than mine anyway. Like, the part with the sacrifice."
"Now look at her." The hag pointed to the still squirming Arantxa. "Just had the orgasm of her life. Wouldn't call that much of a sacrifice, eh?!"
"Bitch!" he swore, jumped onto her and bit her head off. Unluckily, that didn't break the spell either.
The next day, Arantxas belly was already fully swollen.
(Why suffer nine months when there is magic working?)
And then she gave birth to three pretty big (I mean
pretty and big, not pretty big) shelobs which quickly
began to milk her dry.
Three suckers, two teats, one problem. But before the newborn princesses could start to decimate themselves, the step family came trampling in.
It was a shock to Luxuria, Avaritia and Invidia who expected gratuituous riches and met a hungry shelob instead each. Soon they were hanging tied next to Arantxa. And got the same violin treatment to make her love juices flow. (Remember spiders can only eat liquid nourishment? This comes extremely handy as a lame plot device.) As a precaution I mention that the shelob princesses had grown so fast that they were of legal age by now. Which of course also implied they already were fertile. Luxuria, Avaritia and Invidia couldn't exactly enjoy their orgasms when they felt a bunch of spider eggs inserted into their wombs which began to grow quickly. "Oh God!" they squealed inbetween the orgasms. "It's crawling up my left tube! I'm eaten alive! AAAAAH!"
"Nooo!" cried Arantxa (the spider prince just had
removed her gag to try out a 69 position - a small
consolation after he'd been frigged so dastardly).
"Even if they are greedy bitches! They are my sisters!
Abolition of death sentence for mere character crimes
in fairytales MMPHHHH!"
So much for the phrase "eat ones words", somewhat eased by an ample amount of spider cum.
And also the merchant, worried about the fate of his family, and having followed them, came in, saw his family being eaten, and by chance spotted a cupboard with spelt "In case of plot impasse emergency, BREAK GLASS!".
"Oh, my evil sister Maleficia. Not pleased to meet you. Lost her head. Serves her right. I kept telling you, don't screw around with cliches or you will meet a dire end. Oh, my name is Copoutia. Now will you three stop screaming, it will take hours until the little spiders have sucked you to death and you are still just at the prolonged ecstasy phase. Ah bugger, why do I always have to clean up after her!"
And with hereashazam, thereashazam, she gave back the human form to the prince and Arantxas three princesses. "Uhm, I better don't change the hundreds of spiders already inside you into human form, that could turn out into a space problem", Copoutia declared. "And they are just clones of the princesses anyway. Hmmm, magic them away? No!" She poked Luxuria, Avaritia and Invidia into the navel. "I just put them into stasis, and each time you will do something nasty to poor Arantxa again, a tiny spider will awake and bite you! OK, I think I sorted this mess out properly. Hiho Silver and away!"
And that was that. Avaritia was married to the lawyer and Invidia to the priest, the merchant hauled Luxuria away to cockpeck her back, the new princesses Lydia, Ariadne and Biliku found some handsome princes who didn't complain at all about their somewhat strange mating habits, Arantxa complained to the prince that his spider form had been much better in bed, and everyone lived relatively happily after, as far as it is possible in such a screwy fairytale.