Get Retch Quick Scheme

Generally speaking, it's a bad idea to steal from a dragon. If you are still inclined so, the rule 1 is: Be vewwy quiet. Rule 2: Be vewwy, VEWWY quiet.

Vewwyquietness was the second name of Lara Croft. And likewise of Catwoman. Oh, what irony of fate that they choose to rob the same dragon at the same time! They just eyed an golden Bastet statue from Ancient Egypt when their looks crossed.
"Mine." whispered Lara and drew her gun.
"Mine." whispered Selina and drew her Meowator. It was hard to hear against the snoring in the back of the dragon cave, which lied very secludedly on top of a mountain. Not that this kept our lovelies from finding it.
The snoring got louder.
"RATHER MINE!!!" thundered a voice from above. Claws took Lara and Selina in an iron grip. Two last shots bounced off easily from the dragon scales. "Humans. Always try it again. Can't you found a bank or so? It's so much safer and when you go broke, the tax payer has to save you. And noooow..."
"I'm too young to die!" whined Lara.
"Please don't eat me, Mrs. Dragon!" whined Selina. (Mrs. It's easy to spot by the eyelashes.)
"Ho, ho, ho. Eat. You inedible human scum. Now where would be the humiliation? The learning effect?" The dragoness clawed off Laras and Selinas clothing. Then she tied them firmly together with some conveniently lying around pearl necklaces ("You wanted pearls?") in a lesbian embrace. After that, she rummaged around in her treasure heap. "Ah, there it is. Once belonged the harem of the Sheik of Moolah. The Djinnish Double Dildo. Pure gold. Pure pleasure. You wanted gold?"
Lara and Selina squealed as the priceless prick locked itself inside their vaginas, bounding them together even tighter. "Not much of a punishment yet, right?"
"Thought so. I need some love too..." And with that, the dragoness took the unlucky pair and inserted it feet forward into her own vagina. "Ah yessss, squirm some more, my beauties, my G-spot is some more upwards..." And she abused the two as living dildo.

"AAAAAH!" The dragoness blew out a giant firestorm when she orgasmed. She pushed Lara and Selina, who nearly were squished by her contracting walls, deeper and deeper, into her pulsating cervix. Then her first orgasm was over and her cervix closed again around the heads of our wannabe thiefs like a garotte, while their bodies were helplessly squirming in the dragoness' womb.
"I can't heeeear you? Whatchasay? A bit low on air?"
Incidently, the snoring stopped, and another voice shouted: "WHADISNOISE?" "Oh, my husband! Finally woke up? I have a little birthday present for you!" "Huh? Today isn't my birthday?" "Oh, you will feel like birthday! CMON FUCK ME!"

Scientific Factoid of the Week: The Squamata order, the most prominent member being snakes, own a double member (that's hemipenis in proper scientific jingo). Whether dragons belong to this group is solely up to the fetish of the author.

"Oooh yeah, baby! Take both dicks at once!" (Ha. Told you so.) The dragon pushed deeper and deeper and...suddenly found two screaming mouths. He pushed a bit more, and a deep throat engulfed each of his dicks. (Mathematically inclined readers now might complain that if a dragon penis is about the size of a dragon vagina is about of the size of two lesbian-embraced humans, then a dragon penis can't fit into a human mouth. Well, math shall STFU in a porn story. It's the relativistic length contraction or buggerwhat.) Lara and Selina helplessly tried to bite but obviously, scales that resisted some high-velocity lead also resisted human teeth. "Yeah! That feels good!" the dragon commented their puny attempts and and pressed his dick halfway into their esophagi. (And I mean it. Guess what, I actually found a vid titled "Esophagus" on a common porntube, but that clearly was false advertising.) Which actually was a good thing for Lara and Selina because now the dragon came. Liter after liter of dragon cum rushed into their stomachs - if he had blown off in their throats, they would have drowned. "Oh God! His cum is like liquid lava!" the girls tried to scream, but you can't talk with a giant dragon dick in your mouth and nearly out of oxygen. (Although his firestorm momentarily heated the cave to 100C, good that they were safe in a wet tight vagina.) The dragoness came again too, and her cervix momentarily let loose of it's vice grip. The dragon rectracted from his wife, his two presents still helplessly hanging mouth-clamped on his limping dick. "Now what have we here?" he asked. Graciously, he pulled his dick out of their throats. Little after-ejaculation drops spurted from it, and even those made Lara and Selina gulping, gasping and coughing for air. Dragon cum was even running out of their noses and ears. "Yeah, that's what I call a birthday present. Even if it isn't actually my birthday. When will this human trash finally learn to stay the fuck out of our caves? Hasta la vista, cumwhores!" And he went to a opening labeled "TRASH" and deposited Lara and Selina.
"You twit!" the dragoness scolded. "Uh...what...the pearls? Shall they have fun with it, they were fake anyway. Gold rules." "Yes! Gold! The Djinnish Double Dildo!" "Upsie. Didn't look there." The dragon went red-faced, quite a feat with green scales. "I would go after them, but after this fuck I have to..." And then he keeled over on the spot and snored again.
The dragoness sighed. From her orgasms, she was also too weak for a golden goose chase. Luck for our pair.

After a seemingly endless downward glide, Lara and Selina landed softly on top of a big pile of dragon trash. "Ooooh God! When will the batteries run out? My Djinnish Double Dildo gave me the 23th multiple orgasm! Aaaah! 24!" claimed Lara. "AAAAAH! 42! And it's mine!" retorted Selina. Steps could be heard.
"Mine! Ooooh!"
"Mine! Ooooh!"
Steps came closer.
"RATHER MINE!!!" exclaimed Carmen Sandiego. "You can keep the pearls. Which are fake anyway. Now give me that Djinnish Double Dildo...hey, those greedy cunts won't loose their grip...gotcha!"
"Now don't be so sad. Here, I always carry a dildo with me. It's only plastic but if I duct-tape it to your two little clits, it should serve the same purpose..."
"Ungrateful bitches. Well then, bye bye!"
And thus the pair lied there, too weak from endless orgasms to free themselves.

To mop up things conclusively, some ACME Flashback might be in order. Y'know, there was this big posh party where the dames wore crystals of geological proportions around their necks, with a net worth of more than the whole dragon loot. (It would have been utmost safer for Lara and Selina to raid this tomb, but Lara is only after archeological stuff, for which only the Rothschild widow would have qualified, and Selina was not invited.) High-price high-proof booze was flowing in torrents, and Tony Stark was fighting Bruce Wayne in the old game of one-upmanship. Someone brought up the old legend of a mountain, there be dragon(esse)s. Esse because they never demanded virgins. Although lesbian dragonesses seem to exist. Whatever. Old legends. Very inconclusive.
"Pah! I scale this mountain!" declared Bruce.
"One-up! One-up!" cheered the groupies.
"Pah! I scale the dragoness!" declared Tony.
"One-up! One-up!"
"Pah! I FUCK the dragoness!" declared Bruce.
"One-up! One-up!", assorted wolf whistles.
"Pah! I bring the dragoness to multiple orgasm!" declared Tony. The DJ put on "Big Shot" by Billy Joel. Everybody was too blitzed to remember the details of that evening. Except, of course, Tony and Bruce, who wore some hidden alcohol-neutralizing devices. Very handy on posh parties. And so on the following day, they secretly met on the foot of the dragon mountain, since it was a thing of honor.

"Hey Iron Man, bringing your armor I might consider cheating!" complained Batman. (Gasp! Tony is Iron Man and Bruce Batman! You never would have guessed, right?) "Aw, can it, in your bat belt you have as much tech as in my armor!" "But no flying, only climbing!" "OK, OK, crybaby! Let's start at that, eh, trashheap, over there?"
And that's where they accidentally found our thief wannabes, short before orgasming to death. It was a matter of chivalry that the two superheroes did not take advantage of the situation. Batman even ripped his cape in two to cover their worst barenesses.
"Nono! No eye-scratching or hair-pulling or we have to tie you up again!" "She stole my statue!" "No, you stole it first!" "YOU RATHER TRIED TO STEAL IT FROM ME!" came a voice from above. Astounding how quiet a dragoness can fly. "AND WHERE IS MY PRECIOUS DILDO? WHICH I BOUGHT COMPLETELY LEGIT AT EBAY, JUST FOR THE RECORD!" "Carmen Sandiego stole it from us!" "AND WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO?" Of course nobody could answer that question offhand, and smoke was rising angrily from the dragoness' nose. "Uhm, might I suggest a bargain?" interfered Iron Man. "AS IS?" "Since my last fight with the Masturbator[tm], I probably need a new armor anyway. So, you can have it in exchange for the lost item..." "IRON? DO YOU WANT TO HOODWINK..." "Nonono, Mrs. Dragon, its energy core is driven by pure Rareasfuckium, which is far more valuable than gold." "Well...I might consider that..." the dragoness said in an already milder tone. Tony meanwhile continued his sale pitch. "And, might I add, somewhere must be a button for vibration mode, I never fully understood the manual myself, here, have it, 2000 pages..." "OK. Deal. You may walk off in peace with these two rogues, but if we EVER get another visit from mankind it's barbecue season after all!"

"Neener neener Bruce, I brought the dragoness to multiple orgasm, I WIN!" "I just didn't find a condom in my bat belt, or I had shown you why I'm called the fucking Batman..." grumbled Batman, all sore loser. "Oh, you may show ME, condom or not," purred Selina, who was secretly in love with Bruce. "AFTER I SCRATCHED OUT THE EYES OF THIS DITZ!" "SAYS WHICH DRAGON WHORE?"
Tony of course couldn't interfere without his armor, but luckily Batman pulled out his Bat Bondage gizmo to stop the catfight once and for all, or somebody might have been hurt. In no time, the two prickless pricklies were bound and gagged again, since he was the fucking Batman, as we already stated. "Now will you behave? I have some Bat Vibrator here too, otherwise..." "MPFF! "MPFF!" "Tony, why don't you show Lara your precious collection of antiques? Before someone gets hurt? Guess you shouldn't untie her, though, lest something gets missing..." "MMMM%&$!" "While I spend a romantic dinner with Selina, I must still have some 1830ian Catnip somewhere..." "MMMM%&$!"

And so our pair was parted, not only from the Djinnish Double Dildo, but also from each other. But since Tony and Bruce were also fucking zillionaires, Lara and Selina quickly calmed down, as money changes everything. Well, until the next botched heist...

The End