"Yes, Number One?"
"Do you think it was a good idea to provide Data with a copy of all the old SF films from the Ceres Museum?"
"If it helps him to become more human...Well, what's the worst thing that can happen? That he'll give us some imitations of Frankenstein's Monster? Get real, all these movies were PG-rated in their time!"
Riker chuckled. "Captain, do you think we could stop him with a Klaatu Barada Nikto - in case of emergency?"
Data was confused.
Yes, surely, this was just fictive material, but mankind still was an enigma to him.
Especially their sexuality.
He was 'fully functional', but still the thing called love was to him as emotions were to a Vulcan - a thing most theoretical.
Why should a mad scientist - even considering he was mad by definition - construct a machine capable of killing women by perpetual orgasm?
A quick computation told him this was nonsense anyway. As shown in the movie, no woman could get more than very exhausted. And still...Data delved in the 'Handbook of Advanced Technobabble', computed, computed some more...until he decided the best way to settle things was always the experiment.
"Data, you have built what? A crossing of a music instrument with a
vibrator? From a movie? And this is supposed to work? Data, SF films are
supposed to be imaginary!" Beverly, who had tried to listen to Data's
explanation deadpan, finally burst into laugher.
"You are the ship doctor, you have the medical know-how to assess this experiment correctly..."
"OK, so I'll be your first victim. The evil Data Data has captured Agent Beverella and tries to kill her with his Excessive Machine!" She still laughed when she climbed into the machine. "I hope your machine doesn't fail in some antimatter explosion or worse as soon as I overload it!"
Data feigned his worst Mad Scientist smile. "Enough, wench! You will stop mocking me!" He played some Bach sonata.
"Hahaha! Isn't Bach...ohhoho, that tickles...an aberrance in style...ahhha...on this occasion...ooooh?"
"Ha! Do you already feel it?"
"Mmmmmh! Data, I must say....oh yes!...that your little gizmo...aaaaah...is astoundingly effective....cough!"
"Of course, wench! I programmed all facts about the female sexual reaction!"
"Ooooooh! I'm coming! Aaaaaaah!" Beverly writhed in a multiple orgasm, while Data increased his pianist efforts. "AAAAA!" Orgasm after orgasm flared through Beverly until she finally passed out.
Data quickly stopped the machine. He pulled out the unconscious Beverly from the machine and made a medical check. She was exhausted, but should soon recover.
Six hours later, she still lay there with an idiotic grin frozen on her
He now had a problem, indeed.
"Beverly, please give me some headache pills! My mother just has arrived for a stopover and she brought her bridge club with her: A Vulcan priestess, a hundred year old Klingon grandma..." Deanna came in and found the mess Data had made.
"Calmly, Data. Nobody will unscrew your head. Now explain me the whole
story from the start."
"So I watched this SF..."
"Impossible! Baloney! Even accounting an unknown Technobabble Effect...This can't happen! Data, let's try to repeat the experiment. I'm a Betazoid and my mind is better trained than that of the average human. So think I'm Agent Deanella..."
Well, to cut a long story short, it went like this:
"Hahaha!...ohhoho...ahhha...ooooh? Mmmmmh! ...oh yes!...aaaaah...cough! Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! AAAAA!" Orgasm after orgasm rushed through Deanna, and soon she lied half-dead next to Beverly, and Data had twice the problem.
Lwaxana, of course, heard the telepathic squeals of her daughter. She
expected the worst and came running to the medical laboratory. "Data, you
madman, what have you done?"
"Oh, I just saw an old SF film..."
"I don't understand it! The mind of Deanna is totally blank! Even if she is unconscious, I would still be able to 'hear' something with my powers. OK, Data, now let's try to repeat the experiment more scientifically. Let's see...
Here are some medical transponders which will monitor all my life functions constantly. Now I'm Agent Lwaxanella..."
Of course, the medical transponders recorded nothing much more enlighting than:
"Hahaha!...ohhoho...ahhha...ooooh? Mmmmmh!...oh yes!...aaaaah...cough! Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! AAAAA!"
Orgasm after orgasm raged through Lwaxana, but this time it had an additional effect. Lwaxana was a strong telepathic sender. So intense were her sensations that every single woman on the ship was felled by a multiple orgasm. The Klingon grandma stormed into the bar and raped every man inside before she collapsed. Even the Vulcan priestess could only whisper, "This...is...illogical!" before she went into sweet oblivion.
Data now was up Black Hole creek without a paddle. This called for a quick emergency plan.
"Ha! I am not Data! I am his evil brother, Lore! Data lies deactivated
in his cabin, and I am going to say good-bye! This was most funny!
Neener, neener!" Data paralyzed some guards, went into a shuttle,
sent it away on autopilot, went out the back-exit, sneaked
into his cabin and deactivated himself. His last thoughts were,
"How good when someone can always blame things on his evil twin!"
Riker explained, "So we were lucky. This was evidently Lore's way of
celebrating Halloween..." The crew was sitting around for their usual
"May I point out that, due to relativistic timeframes, it's always Halloween somewhere..." Data interjected.
Riker continued, "...and due to some technobabble effect, the minds of the women were trapped in some orgasmodimension. Once we revived Data, he was able to save them by using a negative polarized technobabble ray."
"Oh, you could have left me trapped for much, much longer," Deanna sighed. She gave Riker a long look, and there was no telepathy needed to understand it correctly as, "Now you try and shag me through like that, you second-rate Casanova!"