A few smithereens later...
"We excuse for any inconvenience you might had. Evidently, our heavenly computer crashed on the fact that you are technically a human, but your soul..." "I have no soul!" "...your innermost essence, which defines your appearance in afterlife, is demonic in nature." The mandarin shoved around his records nervously. "We resolved that since your ex-tra-or-di-na-ri-ly merits for the Good surely outweigh your earlier misconducts, we upgrade you to angel status immediately. Please fetch wings and halo at Counter H7b."
The mandarin wiped off the sweat óf his forehead when Anya finally left.
"Now to you, Mr. Spike. I'm afraid you have to go to H-E-double hockey sticks..."
"I hate angels," grumbled Spike when he departed, exit down.
"The colleagues of Heavenly Intelligence botched
up again." As usual, the game 'Blame your neighbor'
was played. "Ah yeah, and who's responsible in the
first place that she could enter heaven at all?"
"If this goes on, we're under danger of a hostile
management buy-out from our competition." "Keep
objectivity, according to the newest infos this
isn't any longer Anyanka, Destroyer of Continuity.
Since there aren't any women in heaven, at least
to the rules, her powers are completely useless."
"Ah, and since when does Evil[tm] adhere to rules?"
"It does, be assured, it does." "And what
difference does it make at all?" The head security
angel pointed to Michael, who attended the
conference in traction bandages. "Look how badly
pummeled our Dragon Slayer is!" The conference
talk turned into a panangelium.
"If I might throw in a suggestion", a subaltern angel dared to interject, "if violence is futile, maybe trickery helps?"
He was yelled down.
A quarter hour later everyone agreed to a consensus that Anya could best be overcome by means of a subterfuge, and everybody gratulated the Honcho Chief Angel to his brilliant idea.
Anya read the message of the mailangel.
"Raised to the status of archangel? Room Ce000? I'm flying! Now these are guys that catch on my amenities fast!"
Anya pranced into the cellar level. She was expected by a solemnly dressed committee. "Dear Anya, please first drop your old wings and halo and put on these ceremonial horns. The band tromboned a flourish. "Ceremonial horns? Well did you evah! My, Lorne would get green with envy if he weren't anyway!" She teetered in front of a wall mirror.
"And now please take a stand exactly on the cross on the floor which symbolizes... uhm, what did it symbolize it again?" the Honcho Chief Angel hissed to one of his underlings. "Oh yes, the passion of our Lord Jesus, right."
Anya throw herself in posture. "And what will be next in prograaaaaa..."
A trap door opened. Several dollar signs and ampersands died away doppler-shifted.
"Oh, can't remember that curse. Oh yes!
That with pestilence was funny. I bet
THAT hurt. But not more than your
girlfriend hurted. Ssssst. And away he is.
Yup, that one was my masterpiece, Halfrek
said. I dunno, she always had to overdo.
Owch, owch, owch. That wasn't so brilliant,
he was suffering much to shortly. Alas,
Cordelia. That was when the shit began to
hit the fan. Where she might be, I heard
she is a half-demoness now? And there,
the worm. Did Buffy really have to get off
with me? I'm just doing my work. Well then,
she got a proper walloping in return."
Anya was indulging in curse-wise memories.
The Big Devil was on the end of his tether,
as his video night evidently had backfired.
"OK, back to the good old torturing board.
Throw her into the cage with the Inju,
shall he have fun with her."
Inju was a tentacle monster who liked to have fun with earth girls. And with the tentacles he surely didn't want to play I wanna hold your hand.
Anyas squeals yelled through hell.
"So there", the Big Devil mumbled. He evidently knew nothing about Anya.
Until a little subdevil came running: "The Inju went floppy!" The Big Devil came looking and was greeted by a wheezing Anya. "Do you all have no standing in hell? Even my Xandy lasted longer!" She disgustedly pointed to the Inju, who was lying on all eights, exhausted.
The Big Devil barricaded himself in his room and trampled on his Japanese Hentai Anime Collection, swearing: "Unrealistic! Con-art!" A subaltern demon trying to get through a scuttlebutt that Anya would be afraid of bunnies instantly got mauled for trying to be funny in hell.
Bureaucracies are incompetent everywhere. But there soon would be a change...
A mysterious figure sneaked to Anyas
single cell, where the Big Devil had
locked her away until he had found a
decent torture method. A lock gently
Anya looked up to her visitor. "No, no, I'm not into lez again, dunno what Willow finds so great, that thing in heaven..." The visitor flinched. "...was a real disaster." "Don't you recognize me?" Anya pondered. Suddenly the bulb went on. "Proserpina, Hell Queen! My God..." "Urg. Could you please abandon that vocabulary?" "'Xuseme. My Satan, you look so derelict! Why that?" "Men. Screw up anything. I may scrub the cauldrons and scrape the sulphur off the walls, while the gents have fun. Last year we had to allot the coals! My, my, as long as I was in charge such snafu never happened! But they have to torture the tiniest pipsqueak. No sense for cosmic duties, only personal fun. Well, I only tortured the real big buggers, blasphemy or mass murder size, the rest was just hanging around as a shadow and didn't get in the way of anyone...Oh, and pardon me for nearly bringing apocalypse to earth, I thought it was a good idea then, and it all was Willows fault anyway...Anyanka, uhm, I happen to have a little wish..."
Anya did a grab into Proserpinas ultra-tiny G-string. "Iek! I thought you said you're not into lez anymore..." "Just for control. The rules, y'know. Had nothing but trouble with that in youknowwhere. Hope that didn't bring me out of practice." "Anyanka, you are the greatest." "Of course I am the greatest, I was only trying to socialize. Have been under humans too long. Your wish is granted!"
Razzmatazz fans surely would have missed a "Poof!" or likewise special effects, but Anyas powers were very primeval. If she changed history of the universe, the new history has ever been that way. (Don't even try to think about it, your brain will hurt. Read a nice book instead, Advanced Quantum Theory or suchlike.) Just her status as ex-goddess enabled Proserpina to recall the change.
"Now there, looks much more friendly." Proserpina smirked as she watched an ex-Big Devil hauling coal sacks. "If you might have a wish now..."
"Sordidly, none inside your might..."
"The rules..." "The rules..." Both women sighed. "Oh, could you get me a larger Inju?"
In Pit 7c there stood a periscope that
allowed to watch life on Earth. Also this
queue ran like hell when Anya arrived.
"I wonder if Xander is still alive. Yeah, glance to the left and right, you are being watched! Aaargh! I don't believe it! The scoundrel goes into a demon brothel!" Anya fumed when she heard Xander shyly explain to the Madame how unlucky he had been and if you can't beat em, join em. "Men! If you don't leash them...Now look at that whore! Purple hair and little antennae sprouting from her forehead. Now isn't that cuuuute? Dame, if I were you I'll shoot your tailor, that costume gives everyone eyesore! No, don't go into that separee...Bugger, now I have to refocus that gizmo again..." Anya fumbled with the periscope while Xander... fumbled too. "So you don't...smooch...want to eat me and turn into a giant snake or pussy or..." The harlot giggled. "Giant pussy, such fantasy. Eating you, yeah, that costs three pussies more. No, don't be such a stiff," she giggled again, "I'm mostly harmless. Oops!"
Xander didn't like the sound of that oops, not at all. He had been oopsed once too many.
And then his body suddenly began to feel... unfamiliar. He looked down...and screamed. The harlot tried to explain things. Anya, meanwhile online again, listened and bursted with laughter. "Gender-changing bacteria! Serves you right! The whore gave you instant-pussy VD! Yeah, and I wish you get twenty-eight days of PMS a month as a free extra!"
Xander burst into tears.
"I deserve it! I spurned the only woman who had real feelings for me! Ran away from the altar like a yellow just because I was afraid of some potential future conjured up by a demon! I wish..."