Trouble in Paradise

Authors Note: Written for long-time contributor TCSHAN who constantly griped there are not enough stories about Kaa of Jungle Book fame.

"SAVE THE RAINFOREST!" shouted the banners of the Greenpeace troop that forayed the streets of Bangalore.
"I doubt that Disneys version of the Jungle Book is the best promotion fundament for our mission", Alec nagged. "Just thinking about how endangered the king tiger is..."
"Aw, shut up. The public wants simple statements which fit into their tiny brains", Eve retorted. "Seals are cuddly-wuddly, snakes are evil. Black and White. Simplify and get the donation dollar rolling. OK, Ed, you are responsible for our equipment. Alec, you will get all the permits. So you have someone to pester with all those sensible talk. I'll go shopping some stuff from the local dealers."

Later in the evening...
"Hey, get the fuck out the tent with your spliff! Had I know what you meant with 'dealer'..." "Ah, the oh-so-logical Alec again! Mota frees the mind and makes you one with nature! It would become you too - you wouldn't make your sour face all the time..."
Eve sashayed out of the tent and into the jungle, to get some divine inspiration.

Kaa was also looking for some divine inspiration. For getting his empty stomach filled. His line of noble python descendants had done a great job devouring all the stupid animals who fell for their tricks...thereby increasing the collective IQ of the jungle beyond the point of being snake food reserve.
What was this? Looked like a human. They seldom came into that part of the jungle, and never alone. Kaa slithered nearer.
"Oh, hello, you big good-looking python!" Eve giggled. "Hello, big good-looking woman!" Kaas mouth replied before his brain had booted. Bugger! Kaa would have slapped himself with a hand over the mouth... if he would have had hands, that is. Absolutely no talking to humans! Luckily, this female seemed to not noticing the strangeness of the situation. She looked dazed...drugged. This was a gift from heaven! Slowly, he circled around her and stared deeply into her eyes. "I'm the spirit of the jungle...we will become one!" Kaa entwined more coils around her. Eve took a deep breath from her spliff and blew the smoke into Kaas face. "Oh, skweeze me pleeze me! Make hot love to me!" she moaned and ripped off her scantily jungle dress. Yeah, and splain my hemipenes, Kaa thought. What a sick, sick, sick idea to fuck with ones dinner.
He pulled his coils taut and pressed tighter and tighter until his victim was too weak for resistance. Then he unhinged his jaws, unrolled himself and began to wolf down Eves feet. Even for a big snake like Kaa, a full grown human was a formidable task. Slowly, he worked himself up to the pelvis. "Oh yes! More! More!" Eve pressed her hands firmly on Kaas head. He silently swore because now he wasn't going anywhere. Looked like he hadn't squeezed enough. Should he spit her out to begin anew? His nervous tongue inadvertedly flickered over Eves clit. Immediately, Eve squealed and her hands fell to the side. Kaa added 1 and 1 and licked some more. "OOOOH! AAAAAAH!" Eve writhed in ecstacy. In her weak state, she passed out after the first orgasm. Maybe fucking with ones dinner helps after all! Kaa thought and gulped down her hands. The rest wasn't a problem anymore, save for her big tits - the warts tickled him in his throat. Finally her head had vanished. If Eve had been just a bit taller, she wouldn't have fitted in. Now a digestion sleep is in order, Kaa said to himself and tediously headed for the next treetop.

Kaa awoke in a strangely unfamiliar landscape. The jungle had been replaced by a sort of savannah. The colors were much too vibrant to look real. The fact that his hemipenes had tripled in size was no thing to complain, but somewhat suspicious either.
And then a voice behind him said: "Oh, hello, you big well-hung python!" He whirled around. "I'm Lilith, Naga Queen of Eden, and who are you? I guess you are the cousin-twice-removed Aunt Demogorgon kept doting about..." Before him stood, no, slithered, a strange creature, with a voluptious human body that ended in a big snake tail.
Again Kaas jaws unhinged, and clanked to the soil with a Tex Avery sound-effect. His mind raced, as two competing thoughts fought it out no-holds-barred: Fuck! Eat! Fuck! Eat! Fuck! Eat!
When enough blood had flooded back from his hemipenes to the brain to allow some rational assessment of the situation, he resolved the matter elegantly: *First* fuck, *then* eat.
And since Liliths ways were to fornicate everything that was remotely male, regardless of the limb number, they immediately jumped at each other and did it like animals.
"OOOOH! AAAAAAH!" Lilith writhed in ecstacy when Kaas gorgeous member stretched her to tensions only a snakewoman could love. Their body intertwined like DNA strands high on telomerase. Kaa firmly wrapped himself around her tits and soon Lilith, who had to breath like a human, passed out with a last lust cry. Quickly, Kaa engulfed her head and then worked himself downward. When he came to the hips, with some regret he unplugged his member. Snake cum dripped from the still throbbing vagina, Liliths legs twitched a last time, and them Kaa gulped down the rest.

"Hey! You are eating Mommy! Leggo! Baaad snake!" A little girl in a red bikini surprised Kaa just when he was eating up the evidence. Dessert! Kaa jumped for joy and rolled his eyes. "Little girl, you will be veeeeery asleep now..." "I'm not your little girl! I'm Vampirella! And if you want a staring duel..."
Vampirella squinted her eyes and unleashed her full hypnotic powers on the dumbfounded Kaa. Never the universe had seen a fight like this before, not even when Evil-Eye Fleegle battled Pai the Sanjiyan. The air froze between them.
But a snake out of Disney didn't have a chance against a bat out of hell.
"Now spit her out! Or I'll claw you open with my bare hands!" "BLEAAARGH!" Unwillingly, Kaa released Lilith, somewhat inconvenienced but still with a stupid smile on her face.
Just when Vampirella snapped: "Hey, you got another victim inside there..." suddenly the clouds above ripped open, and a voice roared: "Kaa, where is my Eve?" "Aren't you omniscient?"
Rule #1: No snappy answers to the Guy Up There.
A thunderclasp stroke down and turned Kaa into snakeburger, very well done.

Again Kaa awoke, this time for real and with a royal hangover. Ice! Where in the jungle I get ice? he excruciated his aching brain. And then two voices came nearer, and flashlights shone through the jungle. "Eve!" "Eeeeve!"
"Oooouch! Shaddap, willya, my head hurts!" "Alec, quickly over here, I think I heard something!" Kaa got caught in two light cones. "Ed, unless snakes have learnt to talk, you must be hearing things. Now look at that fat repleted bloke. Hope Eve isn't inside him."
"Well, there is only one way to find out", returned Ed, picked up a big branch and wedged it between the jaws of the protesting Kaa. "Wrdlbrmphtsssss?" he cried, meaning What the fuck do you think you are doing? The flashlight shone down his throat and fell on some blonde tuft. "Oh my god! He ate Eve! That bastard! Where is my machete?" Alec shoved Ed aside and rammed his right arm down Kaas throat, trying to find a pulse. His hand came back covered with gooey stuff that quickly began to burn on his scratches. "We're far too late. She's long dead and eaten. Don't blame the poor snake, he is just following his instincts of Nature, red in tooth and claw. Eve brought this on her own head." Alec raised his hands to heaven in a futile gesture. "Damn, why didn't I stop her? Going into the jungle high on drugs! She always rambled to become one with she did. Let's cancel the whole fucking mission and go back to Europe." He laid an arm around the shoulder of the depressed Ed, and together they sidled out of the jungle, back into civilization.

"-Om- -ack!! Cou-- sssso-o-- -eik sssat ssssing oua -y -ouffff?" a desperate voice called out behind them. Alec and Ed didn't even perceive it, as snakes can't talk.
Especially not with a big branch wedged between their jaws.

The End