Orlando Futurismo

(apologies to Ariost and Boiardo)

Two swords clanged dissonantly for a last time, then the weapons went silent.
"Draw?" Orlando moaned.
"Legal?" Ruggiero moaned.
"The Saracen has a point," soufflated Bradamante, who got talked into doing the secundant for Orlando. "Knight Rules, new extended edition, Paris, Sorbonne 1500, don't know any 'draw'."
"Arm wrestling?" Orlando suggested half-hearted. "I don't get anything up," Ruggiero declined. "Me neither", Orlando admitted. Marfiza, the secundant of Ruggiero, giggled without end.
"Amadis always 'slightly wounded his opponent'. After the tenth time, I got fed up. But they always were bestest friends afterwards," Ruggiero sighed.
"Who the fuck is Amadis?" nagged Marfiza. Tough luck for her that Wikipedia wasn't invented yet. "Wouldn't count anyway," Bradamante interjected. "Since 'first blood' is a win for Amadis by default. Draw it would only be..."
"Chess!" Orlando suggested, annoyed by Bradamantes smart alec speeches. "OK with me...oh bugger, we don't have a board and I couldn't move a piece anyway," moaned Ruggiero. "Blind Chess!" "Still OK. I have White! Alfil g3!" "Hey, I wanna have White!"
"Be glad you didn't!" boasted Bradamante. "Glad?" Orlando, Ruggiero and Marfiza asked in unison. "Yup! Alfil g3 is impossible move and LOSES!"
"Waffle!" Marfiza roared angrily. "I won all Girl Championships in my youth, and all impossible moves had to be taken back simply, of course within touched-moved!" "Bah! By clobbering your opponents with the board, I guess! One doesn't even know which Alfil wanted to go illegally to g3, the f1 or the c1! Ruggiero loses!"
"I wipe you from the board, you ELO 2100 bitch!" "We'll see about that, referee wannabee!"
In two seconds, Bradamante and Marfiza were sitting on their battle steeds and on collision course. "Three...two...one..." Orlando and Ruggiero sighed in chorus.
"Zero. Will she ever learn?"
Marfiza kissed the dust and swore like a camel leader. "Cheat! You and your enchanted lance!" "Enchanted is allowed. Page 239 of the Knight Rules..." "And page 240, by the way, tells that it isn't honorable to fight on horse against a foot soldier. So get down for being lambasted!"
"Bigmouth, lavedida, she-goat!" Bradamante exclaimed, jumped from the horse and still from the movement dealt out a forehand which opened up Marfizas armor like a tin can. Unfortunately, she opened her guard and Marfiza countered with a backhand that did the same to Bradamante. Luckily, anger made both slashes lousily aimed and both girls escaped unscathed otherwise. It would have been a pity to see this voluptious bodies scarred, anyway.
"By Sheitans fiery balls!" swore Marfiza. After the tin can stunt her sword had only scrap value. "So I squash you with bare hands then!" Bradamante likewise threw away her sword and attacked Marfiza. The collision made the armor rests fall off, and Marfiza and Bradamante were almost in the nude. "Peek and get something cut off!" they screamed over to Orlando and Ruggiero, who hardly managed to turn their heads.
In fisticuffs Marfiza was clearly the stronger woman, and quickly Bradamante lied below her. "HA! Now feel MY magic lance!" Bradamante squealed in panic. "Aaaah! Rape! My maidenhood!" "Which you did promise to the knight who defeated you in fair battle, so no rape involved under wording of page 7, footnote b, Miss Rule-Savvy!" "But...this is pervert and brainsick...this is... this is goooood...oooh...ahh...I'M DYING! I'M DYING!"
"Bradamante, I avenge you!" With all efforts, Orlando managed to watch the scene out of the corner of his eyes. "Oh...THAT death...Sir Ruggiero?" "Yes, Sir Orlando?" "Are you sure Marfiza is your sister...and not your brother?" "Surely, surely. Already in school everybody called her the Desert Hyena, if you know what I mean. One day she even had the nerve to insist hers would be longer than mine..." Orlando and Ruggiero had the same flash of ingenuity.
"Dick length!" "Hmmm...better not. I see the pretty body of your sister and it's dead trouser time." Ruggiero ardently moved his head too. "Me too...for Bradamante of course. Methinks it's high time they get married...not to each other, naturally! But who will fell in love with Marfiza?" Ruggiero pondered. "She doesn't want anyone! But to clobber, maim, pummel! Even pummeled her wetnurse, and that was a lioness!"
"I heard that the King of Japonica has this fetish," Orlando suggested. "Maybe King Gradass can play marriage arranger? And they say you are secretly in love with Bradamante?" "Surely, she loves me secretly too but insists I convert to Christianity! Hey, why can't she convert to Islam, eh?"
This was the trigger to start blabbering about the advantages of their respective religions, winner impossible. One came from A to Z, and from there to Mad Abdul, prophet of the desert.
"Mentioning me?" "Aargh!" Orlando screamed. "Do you always have to pull your Assassine routine?" Ruggiero was annoyed. "My, are you easily scared today. So, in the future I see normal humans in speeding metal boxes..." "Always this wacky shit," Orlando cut him off. "Well, he DID foretell Sir Rodomonte levelled Paris single-handed?" Ruggiero admired. "Feh. Civilists. Even MY sister could have clobbered them, that wasn't hard to see! So Abdul, prove that you can look into the future! Who officially won... will win...whatever...our little match?" "Shhh, queue, I have a vision!" "He who has visions shall go to the doctor!" Orlando sneered. "STFU, pagan! YOUR sanity will later on be collected on the moon by Sir Astolfo!" Abdul hissed, and only the knight honor of Orlando kept him from punching Abdul into his schnozzle for this low-blow. "I see...Christians building towers into heaven and rule the world from above!" "Neener, neener, Sir Ruggiero!" "I see...a fiery dragon, sent by the Saracens! He attacks the tower! The tower falls! Woman and children! They burn! Oh the humanity!" Abdul waved his hands as if to shoo away the gruesome images. "Saracens? We don't kill noncombattants! Never! That must have been an evil sorcerer! Maybe Wizard Atalante finally went over to the Dark Side of the Force! Abdul, admit you are seeing waffle!" Ruggiero exclaimed angrily. "He shall better tell us who fucking wins. Won. Whatever." grumbled Orlando. "Sorry folks, after THAT vision the future can sod off," Abdul stated and away he was, as if the desert had swallowed him.
"So does anyone of us HAVE to win?" "Sordidly yes, lest Bradamante and Marfiza will continue to nag..."
On cue, from behind a double scream of lust trumpeted.
"Ha! Got it! You, Sir Ruggiero, tell Marfiza that you lost against me. I will tell Bradamante you won. The other way round they might suspect foul play, but admitting a loss on our honor..." "Fine. By our honor...and how did we do it?" "Tic Tac Toe...or maybe a rematch while our two beautys slept in exasperated cuddle. Whatever. Helping me up, Sir Ruggiero?" "My honor, Sir Orlando. You were a most befitting opponent, but now I have to hit the road, seeking new adventures." "I'm on my way too, I heard the Princess of China is a red-hot tart. Have to check it out myself. Bye!" "Keep the brass straight!" With a groan and a moan they saddled their horses and rode away in all different directions.
But what later happened to Bradamante and Marfiza, being surprised in their sleep by a horny centaur, will be clearly "18+" and left to the dirty fantasy of the reader.
And they tjosted happily after.

The End