Authors note: It could be that the one or other genealogy or tentacle size won't jibe with your mythology lexicon. That's called poetic licence, dummy :-)
In the beginning there were Chaos and Nyx.
(And we're not talking about them Warren tentacleguy
and his Harris bitch.)
No, Chaos AKA Mr. Tohu, the Devoid of Form and Nyx AKA Mrs. Bohu, the content-less.
A very fine lass indeed she was, and enjoyed Chaos' tentacles (not the Warren tentacleguy, can't you listen, just a generic tentacleguy) until she gave birth to Uranos, the Heaven, and Gaia, the Earth.
Yeah, the joke is worn-out but still funny everytime. (If you actually laughed, you are probably too young to read this. Apienai!)
And guess what, indeed Uranos was a very anal-retentive guy and invented the Rules.
Physics, and suchlike.
Rules, rules, rules.
And thus he dethroned Chaos, who emigrated from the universe, pissed-off, to become the Elder for Lovecraft fans.
And then Uranos and Gaia did it like rabbits, and Gaia gave birth to the Titans.
Did I mention rules?
Kids are the opposite of rules, and Uranos hated his lewd, bawdy, strepitous offspring. He despised them so much that he wanted to push them back in the womb of Gaia.
But Kronos, the Time, the strongest of the Titans, was no unbirth fetish fan at all.
So Gaia armed him with a sickle, and Kronos bobitted his father.
Owch, owch, owch.
And such the power fell to Kronos (and the dick into the water where it produced Aphrodite, Goddess of Love. While we are busy telling origins anyway). And Kronos married his sister Rhea, the Flux (a pattern begins to emerge).
And Rhea gave birth to the Olympians (Hestia, Demeter, Hera, Hades, Poseidon and Zeus), and Kronos all ate them after birth to ensure his dominion, without mustard.
'Xept one, when Rhea served Kronos a stone in diapers as a McZeus.
Bleech, bleech, bleech.
And so Zeus grew up secretly and later overturned his father. He married his sister Hera (indeed, it is a pattern), which was dynastically wise but a surefire way into daily migraine.
Thus he fucked everything female, goddess or mortal, that ran across his godly dick, always ensuring that he didn't produce the next rival, as the Tartaros began to get rather crowdy.
And such Demeter gave birth to Persephone. (Maybe incest was mandatory on Olymp. Bugs me. Ask the Moiras.)
This is getting worse than a season of "Dallas".
But now we have our roster finally complete.
AND OFF WE GO
Persephone was the spitting image of her mother Demeter.
Both were fertility goddesses. Both had lovely blond hair
that shone like gold in the hot morning sun. (Pathetic
attempt at poetry stolen from Manfred Mann.) Both made
everyone wonder how they could walk upright and not keel
over with those nefarious boobs. (I think I just found
out the reason for the tragic death of Lolo Ferrari. Envy.)
And nobody ever succeeded to measure the deepness of
But strangely, they couldn't have been more different in character.
Demeter was joyous. Naive. Meek.
Persephone was a Goth.
Even before that word was invented.
You can't run around suicidal without getting the attention of the guy who got the Underworld when the kingdoms were dealt on Olymp.
Persephone was playing with some Nymphs in the Nysa plain.
"Frolicking, frolicking, frolicking. I fucking hate
frolicking!" "But your mother said..." "Ah, my mother.
Always treating me like a little baby. Calling me Kore.
I wish something would happen before I die of boredom!"
She took a lyra and sung with breaking voice:
"Here we aaaare now, entertaiiiiin us!"
And then the earth quaked, and the ground opened up, and out came storming Hades in his chariot of fire (200 PS, four-wheel servo steering, heatable front pane, luggage trunk can contain up to 100 lbs of damned souls).
The Nymphs ran for the hills. (Where an oread belongs anyway.)
"Help! Heeeeelp! (I say that just in case my mother hears me and wants me back until dinner so) Heeeeelp! I'm being raaaaavished!"
Gone they were.
"Oh, you evil ruler of the Dead, you surely will do
unspeakable things to me! Is it true that as soon as
one did eat something in the Underworld, one can
never return? Oh, I see something interesting to eat
poking from your tunic! Let me suck your pomegrenades!"
And a mouth engulfed a godly boner.
"MMMH! MMMPH! Suckle, Suckle!" Quickly, Hades
was shooting his seed into Persephone. She stood up
and wiped some cum away that dripped from the angle
of her mouth. "Uh-oh, I'm captured forever now!"
Hades was befuddled. Even a bit annoyed. Not that he would complain against a blowjob, it was an upgrade from torturing damned souls all the time.
But he was a man. And a man always wants to be in control. And especially women taking the sexual initiative are a strict no-no for his ego.
"Don't mock the mighty Hades! You will be my sex slave! Fear...the Buzzmech!"
Hades changed his form. He became what could best described as a Transformer who just found out what sex is about. Cold metal clamps captured Persephone and spread-eagled her. Then all sorts of vibrating appendages invaded her body, searching for the points of lust. "Ooooh! AAAAAH!" Persephone squealed in ecstacy. Orgasm after orgasm ravaged through her body until she finally died of total exhaustion.
Which was more a figure of speech since she was in the Underworld anyway.
One minute later she was already begging for more.
"So you still don't have enough? Tentacles of Fire!"
Persephone giggled. "Watched too much Sailor Moon lately? AIIIII! No! I'm burning with lust! AAAAAA!" Persephone writhed, engulfed in flames that tied her up and entered all her orifices. Even her love juices couldn't put out the hellish fire.
And while she orgasmed away, she burnt to cinders.
Luckily she was an immortal, or she actually could have get hurt.
"Ooooh, you are so hot..." Persephone moaned.
"Want to see how big I am, too? Elephant Man!" And Hades changed again. A giant penis spitted Persephone, penetrating through her vagina and then through her whole body. She screamed until the monster dick blocked her throat and left her through the mouth. Persephone jacked off the dick with her whole body until, with a last orgasm, she died from suffocation.
Kids, don't try this at home unless you are immortal too!
"Oooh, you rip me apart!" "Wait until you have suffered...The Arachnophobia!" "Why should I be afraid of a Lydian weaver girl...Eeeeeek!" Hades had turned into a monster spider and tied up the helpless Persephone. Silken threads curled around her body and tied her to the ceiling of hell. Then the spider attached more strings to her warts and her clit and played them like a lyra. The vibrations sent Persephone into total madness. Her juices were squirting from her wide open vagina and dripping into the maw of the spider. After a lot of orgasms, the spider inserted an ovipositor into her and filled her womb with spider eggs. Quickly, they grew and grew. (We talk about magic here.) Until they all hatched. The pitter-patter tickle of spider legs in her womb drove Persephone totally up the wall, as the spider had cocooned her up and she couldn't move a limb. She let out a satisfied sigh as the little spiders ate her alive from within and relieved her from her burden.
And so Hades treated hear for an eternity. Each death was more exquisite and lustful than the one before. Until Hades and the author ran out of ideas. And Persephone still wasn't satisfied.
And then the door of Hell flew out of its hinges by
a giant explosion. A yipping Cerberus pinched his tail
between his legs, rolled over and begged for his life.
And there she stood tall, with a flower in the hair,
a torch in the left hand and a RPG (for those of
you who never played Duke Nukem: rocket pomegrenade
launcher) in the right. Joyous, naive and out
Hell hath no fury than a mother whose daughter came late to dinner.
"Give me back my daughter...or else!" Demeter roared and shoved the RPG somewhere into Hades where even Helios didn't shine.
Hades wheezed. "Good that you are coming, one minute later and *I* would have kicked the bucket. Apropos kicking buckets, I have to look after the Danaides, you two can go in the meantime..."
"The ru-hu-hules..." fluted Persephone.
"You have eaten something?" Demeter asked panically.
"I have eaten something, he has eaten me, eh, something too..."
"That does it! Hades, I'm going on a strike! We'll see what happens if nothing is born anymore!"
Hades wasn't exactly threatened by the thought that there would be an immigration stop for the already overcrowded Hell. Only the RPG began to hurt.
But Zeus (Demeter talked in a volume that could still be heard on Olymp) found the thought of having no more fresh playthings (which had a very short halflife as soon as his wife found out) extremely disturbing.
So he called in Themis, Dike and Nemesis to search the law of the Gods for any loopholes, until a lame compromise (the shyster profession wasn't invented yet) was made that for every orgasm Persephone had she would stay a hour in hell, and the rest of the year she would be on earth with her mother Demeter.
Do you also have the feeling the winters are getting longer?