(A big "Pfffffrz!" to Piers Anthony who deprived us from this chapter of Xanth history.)
It was the year 2000, give or take.
Mundanian calendar, though - the Xanth calendar showed around -2000.
(As we all know, time does not run parallel in both words.)
Nyoka, Mary, Doris, Kitty and Tori were on a camping tour in Florida.
They should have paid more attention to their GPS, as they took the wrong
junction at Miami.
There was no signpost "Attention! You are now leaving the Mundanian Sector!
Watch out for deadly puns!" or a fireworks for the first human beings ever visiting
Xanth, and they marched on unaware. It was a small wonder that they didn't
end as a snack for the local wildlife. But it seemed that Fate had other
things in mind for them...
"Our bottles are near empty!" sighed Mary and Tori, the nineteen year old
twins. "Can we finally rest?" Luckily...or not...their fearless leader
had spotted something. "Well kiss my shiny black ass! A spring! What a
lovely place! Let's drop our tents here!" commanded Nyoka, the oldest of
the girls, who already went to university.
"Sir Yes Sir!" jeered Kitty, who had no objections to lay down after the long
march, but was the youngest of the group and automatically reacted to Nyokas
overbearingness.
Meanwhile, Doris undressed. "Last one in the water is a..." "Hey, stop it!"
Mary and Tori protested unisono. "We still want to drink from that!"
"OK, OK. We better fill up our water bottles now. Don't forget the detox pills,
heaven knows what stuff might swim in it." Nyoka couldn't know how right
she was, as no detox pill was able to neutralize the magic of the Love Spring.
(Now that came completely unexpected, right?)
"Cockadoodledoo! It's five o'clock in the morning and the sun is shining!"
tweeted Tori. "Ungn! Are you mad to wake us so early?" growled Kitty.
"I'm off collecting firewood!" said Mary.
"I map the surroundings!" said Nyoka.
"I look for edible berries!" said Tori.
"It's time for my bath!" said Doris.
"Yeah, let's split up. I look for the Blair Witch!" wisecracked Kitty.
The girls scattered in all four directions of the compass.
"Rub-a-dub-dub, in my tub..." Doris lilted. "Hey, this is getting cloudy
here fast! Waitaminnit, that ain't no cloud..." With open jaws she saw
what happened in the skies. Two birds were quarreling over a fish. But
this fish...these unmistakable spots...it looked like an orca...what
size must be a bird carrying away an orca?
Doris evidently never heard about the Rukh before.
As life goes, if two parties battle over a thing, noone gets it. Under
the attack of the second rukh, the first lost his grip and the orca
came plunging down.
Directly into the spring. KER-SPLOSH! Only a few meters right and Doris
would have got the headache of her life.
"Glub!" The shockwave impact caused a pocket tsunami which made Doris
(and the orca) gulp down a few liters of spring water. The effect
was immediate.
"Poor little fishie, has Ptooeydactyl broken all your bones?" (Technically,
after this fall the orca must have looked more like a flounder. Blame it
on magic as always.) "Let me cuddle you. Oh, what big fins you have.
Oh, what even bigger other parts you have either. Does it smell like
fish?" Doris embedded the whale penis between her tits and began to
kiss it.
The orca, due to his higher body mass, needed longer for the effect
to take. As lovesickness reached his brain, he swam back a bit, and
then, with one mighty thrust, buried his manhood deep in Doris.
Again, the question arises how one meter whale penis may fit into
fifteen centimeters human vagina. But what would be the point of a
cross-species love spring if its magic wouldn't enable the act of
sex, too?
Look up "relativistic length contraction".
Doris, stretched beyond recognition, orgasmed fast, together with
the orca who pumped liters of whale cum into her womb.
The only gadfly in this idyl was Rukh 1 coming back after giving
Rukh 2 a mean feather ruffling. Doris fled as fast as her swollen
belly allowed, and hid in the tent. "Keiko! No!" she sobbed softly
when the mighty bird reclaimed his prey and flew away. Then she
fell unconscious from the exertion.
Meanwhile Tori came back with a bunch of Berry-Berries. And also
Rukh 2 had chosen this moment to return to the rukh-us. In panic,
Tori dropped the berries (which would have been extremely bad
for health anyway, as any reader with a Xanth lexicon will know)
and jumped into the spring. The greedy Rukh (Tori even wouldn't
have made an appetizer) was after her before he remembered
the reason he tried to steal the orca from his colleague -
he was a lousy swimmer.
Both got their amount of water. Coughing, they crawled to the
shore again.
"Now look what you did, bird-brain! I'm all wet!" She had to
lean back her head to meet the rukh eye to eye, although he
lie on his back like a plucked goose. For that what
she spotted in mid-way, a smaller angle sufficed.
Birds are are rarely well endowed (although you might have read
in NATURE about some certain John Holmes duck which has
unbelievable 40 centimeters), so less magic was needed here.
"Oh, I'm wet *everywhere*! Love me, Big Bird!" Tori climbed
the Rukh and did the Leda of the Pack. Also she got her
fair share of orgasm plus some liters of bird-seed, shambled
into the tent and collapsed next to Doris. The ruhk, still
hungry, just flew away to hunt some jumboburgers.
"You really could have helped me" nagged Mary who returned with
a big load of mys-tree branches. "I'm totally exhausted," she
sighed and wiped with her hands through her long blond mane.
She emptied her water bottle with one gulp when she saw a
white horse drinking from the spring. "Oh, such a beauty!
C'mon here, horsie, like some sugar?" The horse lifted its head...
and was an unicorn.
Common Misconceptions, #239: Unicorns only do virgins.
Within seconds, both parties agreed they were after the same
thing. Mary laid a blanket that was handy over a knoll, tore
down her pants and threw her legs in the air. The unicorn mounted
her. Fifty centimeters [*sqrt(1-v^2/c^2)] drilled into her orifice.
The soon insetting flare might have ripped her apart, but
conveniently unicorns have great healing powers anyway.
Mary squealed in ecstacy when she was stretched to the max.
Then another girl was pumped up with cum, careened into the
tent and joined the heap of unconscious love victims. The
unicorn fled as it smelled another predator coming.
Kitty took a sip from her bottle. "The Witch is dead! Hey,
where is everybody?" She went to the tents entrance when from
the corner of her eye she saw... "Eek, a lion!" Kitty stood
transfixed as the lion attacked with large jumps. He tore up
its maw wide, and Kitty threw her bottle into it as it was
the only thing she had in her hands.
Immediately, the lion became much more friendly. "Giggle!
Your tongue tickles me!" To tickle her elsewhere too, the
lion extended his claws and undressed her, giving her a
few scratchs. But she soon forgave him as his tongue rasped
over her clit. "Ooooh! Aaaah! Take me! Take me!" The lion
obeyed, but firstly, the king of animals has everything
else than a king-size dick, and to add injury to insult,
when he was through screwing Kitty, squirting a few drops
and retracting his member, its backward pointing spines
pricked into Kittys vagina.
It was only small consolation for her that this made sense
evolutionary-wise, as all cats are shock ovulators, when
she passed out from the pain. The lion roared defiance and
trotted off into the wilderness, searching for a less
picky mate.
"Mary! Tori! Kitty! Doris! Everything one has to do alone!
Phew, I can as well take a bath myself." Nyoka orderly
folded her clothes into a heap. "Where are the towels...
Now which pig left that dirty towel under the tree..."
hissed Nyoka. She should have paid more attention to its
top, as a giant anaconda fell from above and began to
tie her into its coils. This surely would have been the
end of Nyoka, if Unbelievable Lame Plot Device [tm]
wouldn't have struck in form of a meteor that fell into
the spring. It made an even bigger splash than the orca,
and the hissing snake got a few drops of the surf into
her mouth, as well as the coughing Nyoka.
The snake released her grip to a cuddly bondage. Then
she pleased Nyoka with a flickering forked tongue on
her clit, inserted its hemipenes into her vagina and
inflated it to 100 p.s.i.
Nyoka moaned, enjoying her total helplessness. The snake
tightened its coils again. The lust became unbearable.
After a multiple orgasm of sorts, she fell into blackness.
The snake squirted her seed into Nyoka and vanished.
Later...
"Ooh, my head!"
"Did that *really* happen?"
"I buggered a snake!"
"Ha, I buggered an unicorn, and they don't even exist!"
"I buggered an orca and don't know how!"
"I buggered a monster bird and both of it!"
"I buggered a hedgehog!"
"A hedgehog?" came the unbelieving voice of Mary, Tori,
Nyoka and Doris.
"Nah, it was a lion, but the bastard was as spiny!"
They could have discussed the G.I.B. factors of their
lovers in detail until kingdom come, but there was a
swooshing noise approaching and it became louder and
louder.
"Not *another* monster!"
A giant bird landed in front of the tent.
"My ladies, I protest against the epithet *monster*.
I'm the Simurgh, king of the birds. I had to come
personally..." (he unstrapped a big knapsack from his
giant wings) "...as the stork refused to do his duties
due to a sudden headache."
"The stork, eh? To bring us the babies from our love
night, I presume?" scoffed Kitty.
"Exactly," retorted the Simurgh and unpacked. "A sphinx
for you, a mermaid for Doris, a harpy for Tori, a centaur
for Mary and a naga for Nyoka."
Tori passed out again.
Mary cried: "Someone slap me with a trout to awake me!"
Doris just stood there open-mouthed, looking like one.
Nyoka asked if they could sue for alimonies.
Kitty fetched the frying pan and swore she would turn
the Simurgh into Colonel Sanders Special #1.
And all lived ever happily after.
The End