"You can't keep the treasure even for a year! No, Mr. Jones,
I can read ancient texts as good as you, and beside the fact
that you are plain jealous because the text also says only
a woman can gather the treasure I keep it as
long as I like, no matter how many nazis, mummys or
goody-two-shoe archaeologists are upon my pretty ass!"
Lara Croft took her pistols and blasted open the entry
to the Cursed Inju Cave, being heavily pissed off that it
wasn't even secured with falling boulders, tripwires or
other lame hackneyed stuff from ACME Ancient Treasure Security,
but just a rusted padlock.
No, the cave contained nothing more than a sign "Treasure ->"
pointing to a hole in the ground with a plant growing out of it.
With very convenient ladder-like twigs.
"Better climb down slowly, these twigs are slippery."
A stray ray of her flashlight fell onto a twig and Lara had to
giggle. "They look exactly like penises! No wonder they are so
slippery. Well, it's not the first dick I step on. Must be a
jack ladder." Had Lara looked closer she might have noticed
that over each pseudopenis there sat a pseudotongue. (Not yet
encountered in anatomy, but it surely would sell.)
After a few meters, the torch showed the ground. Lara could
make out squirming movements. "Aha, gratituous treasure guards.
Come to Mama! I have a fine hot lead soup for you!"
This was a convenient moment for the tentacles to strike.
They shot out of the sides of the hole. Lara shot back.
I won't bore you with the details of the fight, since I
neither like violence in general nor guns. The tentacles
first made the strategic error to rip off Laras clothes. What
can I say, it's what tentacles do best - if they had had a
brain, they would have tied her up first. After that the result
was a nude Lara and a load of tentacle kindlings. A few with
maybe a brain after all switched to distance weapon mode
and sprayed some quick hardening glue onto Laras hands and
feet. Not quick enough, though, that Lara couldn't pepper them
with some parting shots.
The result could be termed a stalemate - out of tentacles
error, but Lara was tied loosely to the stem. Luckily one of the
pseudopenises held her weight because with tied hands and
feet she couldn't keep a hold on the slippery stem.
Here was where the tongue came in. Suddenly it began to
slap over Laras clit. Up and down, up and down...
In your run-of-the-mill tentaclepr0n fanfic Lara now will
have an instant orgasm. But to add some realism, Lara squeaked
and found that very ticklish. Her body squirmed, and her
movements brought her over the pseudopenis. Immediately she
glid down some inches, just to be impaled by his colleague
under him. With an annoying slurp, Laras vagina closed around
him. "Damn, I'm fucked now! Well, at least that evil
tongue can't reach my lust knob anymore, or I might begin
to enjoy it. I think it's time for a plan to get out of
this shameful predicament...AAAAH!"
No, Lara still didn't had an orgasm. But rather the pseudopenis
inside her had one. (This *is* in accord with biology experience.)
He squirted some sap into Lara, then immediately went limp and
couldn't support her weight thus. Lara fell another few inches
upon colleague #3. (Thus the scream.) And the sounds just
under her didn't encourage her to find out if this guy suffered
from premature ejaculation either. "Blow it!" Lara cupped the
pseudopenis above her she could reach with her mouth and firmly bit
on it. Then she cautiously pulled her pelvis away from above
mentioned colleague #3, which bid her farewell with an annoyed
cumshot, and lifted it to rest above another pseudopenis that was
still standing. Luckily, Lara was extremely well trained, but
she still had to rest after that endeavour.
Unluckily, she had to rest a bit longer than her estimated
standing time of the average pseudopenis. The guy she forcefully
fellated sprayed his load into her throat even quicker than
his vaginal colleague. "Hmmm, even quite tasteful in comparison
to certain other dicks...aaaah, cut it out!" Since she sat *on*
a pseudopenis, this meant tongue torment again. And it even
began to feel...nice? "Oh fuck, don't say this sap contains
some aphrodisicum!" Lara cupped the next mockmember (I hate to
say pseudopenis over and over) and repeated the manouvre.
This time she managed to spit out the bogus boner, which angrily
sprayed his cum over her face. But the licking...it got sweeter
and sweeter. "Must...ignore..." And Lara climbed and climbed.
Sometimes she couldn't take another lick and desperately
engulfed a pseudo pecker (does this count as synonym? Quasi
Q... Thousands of synonyms for penis, but none beginning with
"Q". Rats.) with her vagina, sometimes the peckers were quicker
and she glid down again. This was especially dangerous because
hardly a sham shlong was still erect. Her vagina was dripping
wet with sap. "Has nobody told you wankers...AAAAH!" This was
Mr. Tongue again. "...that there is no such thing as cross-
species fertilization? Now make like a tree and LEAVE! GLB!"
Naughtyness gives you a splooge into your throat.
Lara nearly made it to the outlet again. "Must...use...last...
woody...what?...this...tongue...sitting deeper than others...
No rest for the wicked.
Laras vagina began to throb, and this evidently was a programmed
signal for all dicks to shoot away, even those not involved.
Consequently, she began slipping down the stem, and nothing
could hold her. At least on the last meters at the root the
stem got thicker, which slowed her down. Otherwise, the root
penis, which was much thicker (and hollow), might have come
out at her mouth again, a position that the Tentacle Kamasutra
recommends only for goddesses. Still, its entry force dilated
her cervix which probably would have fucking hurt but Lara
was out could from orgasm.
And then the squirming got louder. More directed. Lara just
came to her senses to feel something crawling into her womb.
She wanted to fight but the cave now closed around her.
Her screams were cut off by a permanent woody that kept
dripping sap into her mouth. Suckers attached themselves
to her breasts and clit. But all the time the squirming in
her womb grew and grew, and her womb with it. It was the
perfect blend of horror and lust. Lara decided to gave in
and let the feelings of lust overwhelm her. And then there
was nothing than everlasting ecstacy.
Well, not exactly everlasting. The one or other week maybe to ensure
that the seed was firmly implanted in her. The sap sprayer in her mouth
and the suckers were retracted, the impregnation root glid
out of her and another cave entry opened up on which Lara
slipped into the sunlight again. "OWCH! These fuckers are still
moving inside me, better get some RU486 fast...EEEP!"
Lara cupped her exposed parts as she beheld a well known
figure with a whip.
"Hello, Lara. I wanted to tell you that I found a footnote
to the scroll. Replace 'less than one year' by 'nine months'.
But I see you found out yourself already."
"Treasure...nine...this...only a woman...NOOOOOOO!"
Lara could swear she heard the plant giggling in the background.