"You can't keep the treasure even for a year! No, Mr. Jones, I can read ancient texts as good as you, and beside the fact that you are plain jealous because the text also says only a woman can gather the treasure I keep it as long as I like, no matter how many nazis, mummys or goody-two-shoe archaeologists are upon my pretty ass!" Lara Croft took her pistols and blasted open the entry to the Cursed Inju Cave, being heavily pissed off that it wasn't even secured with falling boulders, tripwires or other lame hackneyed stuff from ACME Ancient Treasure Security, but just a rusted padlock.
No, the cave contained nothing more than a sign "Treasure ->" pointing to a hole in the ground with a plant growing out of it. With very convenient ladder-like twigs.
"Better climb down slowly, these twigs are slippery." A stray ray of her flashlight fell onto a twig and Lara had to giggle. "They look exactly like penises! No wonder they are so slippery. Well, it's not the first dick I step on. Must be a jack ladder." Had Lara looked closer she might have noticed that over each pseudopenis there sat a pseudotongue. (Not yet encountered in anatomy, but it surely would sell.)
After a few meters, the torch showed the ground. Lara could make out squirming movements. "Aha, gratituous treasure guards. Come to Mama! I have a fine hot lead soup for you!"
This was a convenient moment for the tentacles to strike. They shot out of the sides of the hole. Lara shot back. I won't bore you with the details of the fight, since I neither like violence in general nor guns. The tentacles first made the strategic error to rip off Laras clothes. What can I say, it's what tentacles do best - if they had had a brain, they would have tied her up first. After that the result was a nude Lara and a load of tentacle kindlings. A few with maybe a brain after all switched to distance weapon mode and sprayed some quick hardening glue onto Laras hands and feet. Not quick enough, though, that Lara couldn't pepper them with some parting shots.
The result could be termed a stalemate - out of tentacles error, but Lara was tied loosely to the stem. Luckily one of the pseudopenises held her weight because with tied hands and feet she couldn't keep a hold on the slippery stem. Here was where the tongue came in. Suddenly it began to slap over Laras clit. Up and down, up and down...
In your run-of-the-mill tentaclepr0n fanfic Lara now will have an instant orgasm. But to add some realism, Lara squeaked and found that very ticklish. Her body squirmed, and her movements brought her over the pseudopenis. Immediately she glid down some inches, just to be impaled by his colleague under him. With an annoying slurp, Laras vagina closed around him. "Damn, I'm fucked now! Well, at least that evil tongue can't reach my lust knob anymore, or I might begin to enjoy it. I think it's time for a plan to get out of this shameful predicament...AAAAH!"
No, Lara still didn't had an orgasm. But rather the pseudopenis inside her had one. (This *is* in accord with biology experience.) He squirted some sap into Lara, then immediately went limp and couldn't support her weight thus. Lara fell another few inches upon colleague #3. (Thus the scream.) And the sounds just under her didn't encourage her to find out if this guy suffered from premature ejaculation either. "Blow it!" Lara cupped the pseudopenis above her she could reach with her mouth and firmly bit on it. Then she cautiously pulled her pelvis away from above mentioned colleague #3, which bid her farewell with an annoyed cumshot, and lifted it to rest above another pseudopenis that was still standing. Luckily, Lara was extremely well trained, but she still had to rest after that endeavour.
Unluckily, she had to rest a bit longer than her estimated standing time of the average pseudopenis. The guy she forcefully fellated sprayed his load into her throat even quicker than his vaginal colleague. "Hmmm, even quite tasteful in comparison to certain other dicks...aaaah, cut it out!" Since she sat *on* a pseudopenis, this meant tongue torment again. And it even began to feel...nice? "Oh fuck, don't say this sap contains some aphrodisicum!" Lara cupped the next mockmember (I hate to say pseudopenis over and over) and repeated the manouvre. This time she managed to spit out the bogus boner, which angrily sprayed his cum over her face. But the got sweeter and sweeter. "Must...ignore..." And Lara climbed and climbed. Sometimes she couldn't take another lick and desperately engulfed a pseudo pecker (does this count as synonym? Quasi Q... Thousands of synonyms for penis, but none beginning with "Q". Rats.) with her vagina, sometimes the peckers were quicker and she glid down again. This was especially dangerous because hardly a sham shlong was still erect. Her vagina was dripping wet with sap. "Has nobody told you wankers...AAAAH!" This was Mr. Tongue again. "...that there is no such thing as cross- species fertilization? Now make like a tree and LEAVE! GLB!" Naughtyness gives you a splooge into your throat.
Lara nearly made it to the outlet again. "Must...use...last... woody...what?...this...tongue...sitting deeper than others...!"
No rest for the wicked.
Laras vagina began to throb, and this evidently was a programmed signal for all dicks to shoot away, even those not involved. Consequently, she began slipping down the stem, and nothing could hold her. At least on the last meters at the root the stem got thicker, which slowed her down. Otherwise, the root penis, which was much thicker (and hollow), might have come out at her mouth again, a position that the Tentacle Kamasutra recommends only for goddesses. Still, its entry force dilated her cervix which probably would have fucking hurt but Lara was out could from orgasm.
And then the squirming got louder. More directed. Lara just came to her senses to feel something crawling into her womb. She wanted to fight but the cave now closed around her. Her screams were cut off by a permanent woody that kept dripping sap into her mouth. Suckers attached themselves to her breasts and clit. But all the time the squirming in her womb grew and grew, and her womb with it. It was the perfect blend of horror and lust. Lara decided to gave in and let the feelings of lust overwhelm her. And then there was nothing than everlasting ecstacy.

Well, not exactly everlasting. The one or other week maybe to ensure that the seed was firmly implanted in her. The sap sprayer in her mouth and the suckers were retracted, the impregnation root glid out of her and another cave entry opened up on which Lara slipped into the sunlight again. "OWCH! These fuckers are still moving inside me, better get some RU486 fast...EEEP!" Lara cupped her exposed parts as she beheld a well known figure with a whip.
"Hello, Lara. I wanted to tell you that I found a footnote to the scroll. Replace 'less than one year' by 'nine months'. But I see you found out yourself already."
"Treasure...nine...this...only a woman...NOOOOOOO!"
Lara could swear she heard the plant giggling in the background.

The End