The sun ascended over "Shirley's Mansion", a cheap but
nice house in a forgotten rural area. Two figures tried
to ignore the alarm clock. One looked a bit like your
friendly handsome street punk from next door and could
have walked through a major city without raising any
attention. The other...hardly.
"Another Mysterious Disappearance!" yelled the headline of the Hix Tattler. And somewhere below, much smaller: "Town Bum: I saw an elephant! And it wasn't pink!" "Vampi, since when are you interested in local folclore?" Adam van Helsing mocked. "My bat senses tingle like crazy. And if you add one and one, what do you get?" "A rhetorical question?" Adam guessed wildly. "Circe." "Ehhhh...you mean, she is not a mythological character dead since a few thousand years?" "If I learned something in twenty years of ghostbusting - that ilk never dies."
"Vampi..." "No, you are not accompanying me." "You're discriminate me again! Even if she is a witch, she won't put a hex on me with her brains blown all over the landscape!" Adam waved his trusty 38''. "Adam. Circe. Men are pigs. You savvy?" "Vampi. Homework. Ray-Ban of Chastity. All-powerful relic. You savvy?" Adam switched his gun against some sunglasses he fetched out of the trunk of his fathers old Jaguar and waved, this time, with a 'Certificate of Authencity', promising protection against Medusa, Basilisk, Evil-Eye Fleagle and generic bewitching looks. Vampirella still looked sceptic. "OK, OK. It's your funeral. Don't come whining to me if your future diet consists of kitchen slops."
"Evil Witch 1 km ->" said the sign ominously.
"It`s a trap," non-sequitured Adam. "100 Points,
Einstein," Vampi retorted. "Which is exactly the reason
we straightly walk in. Ah, and I already can see her...
no, you need a telescope." Adam was a bit ticked
off that Vampirella had to hammer her superiority again,
and when they finally arrived the scene, he stormed right in.
"FREEZE! Or else!" (Unpractical, that hat.)
Circe gave him a bored look and pointed a bit in his direction
with her magic wand . And BRA-TAK!, with a big thunderclap
Adam changed into an equine. "Now what a long face do
you make!" she commented jovially. A baffled Adam lifted his
new hooves to look at them, which was a bad idea as he promptly
keeled over. While he saw stars, a big horn grew on his head -
no, that one was already there. "Unicorn?? One eye of the newt
must have had myopia" Circe pondered.
Meanwhile Vampirella appeared on the scene, picked up the Ray-Ban of Chastity that had fallen off from Adams nostrils and spotted a marking. "Made in Taiwan. Your father should haven taken a closer... d'oh. Such a shame, Circe, your magic won't affect a shapeshifter like me. Excuse me, evil sorceress, I have to park a certain showing-off idiot someplace where he doesn't interfere. Then I kill you. Turning my stud into a, eh, stud, I could have condonned..." "Neighrumble..." protested the still totally confused Adam angrily as he was bridled to a tree. "But for stealing my puns, Circe, say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Eyeteeth."
"Now where were we as we were interrupted by some hot-tempered dick...speaking of dicks, I guess he might like his new form?" teased Circe. "This was another lame pun. I will kill you very slowly." "I think Würgi has his own mind on the matter." "Würgi?! What stupid name..." Vampirellas question was promptly answered when a big snake fell off the tree above her, curled around her body and began to strangle her. "Ze German name!" the snake hissed. Taken by surprise, Vampirella couldn't put up a fight. "A German...my day is made..." was her last throught before she passed out eventually.
When Vampirella awoke, she had been tied under the belly of Adam the Wonder-Horse, her head facing the humonguous dick. "You could at least have kicked her in the groins while I was out cold, Adam van Horsing!" Vampirella complained. "NEIGH!" Adam answered, meaning "She mentioned the ugly G-Word." Circe bent down to Vampirella and told her: "Oh, and the ropes are from Hephaistos Company Ltd., he used them for some bondage fun with his 'Dite - forget it, they will withstand even your strength. So please go fuck yourself and the horse you rode on in while I get my beauty nap and think of the most befitting way to end your life. It has to be ironic," Circe declared to the swearing Vampirella. Then she exited stage left, Würgi draped around her shoulders.
"It has to be ironic," Vampirella imitated Circes tone. "Sometimes I wish the villains would resort to the good old machine gun. Coming back directly from Hell saves so much time...And she didn't even mention her master plan for world domination or at least blathered about her origin...OK, now how do I get out of this mess?" Vampirella tried to swing her legs over Adams horse-head but soon realized she couldn't pass his front legs. "Double-curse! If I change into a bat, it'll cost me all of my tendons. Hold still while I crawl the other way. Hey, get your stupid dick out of my face! Blast! If I could just gain a few centimeters I'm over your rump with my hands...I said get it away or I bite it off!" "NEIGH!" Adam answered, meaning that was anatomically impossible for him. Vampirella was forced into desperate measurements. "If you don't want to feel the wrath of my fangs, you better now think of England!" Vampirella growled and began to deep-throat Adams horse dick. Just another centimeter deeper and her hands would glide over his ass... "MMMFFF!" she triumphed as her hands fell down to Adams knee joints. But then desaster stroke. Of course, thinking of England isn't of much help when you get a blowjob by Vampirella, and this last jerk brought Adam over the edge. Before Vampirella could retract her head, the dickhead flared up to quadruple size, locking itself deep inside her throat, and seconds later, cum flooded her lungs faster than she could swallow.
Meanwhile in the witch hut...
Circe was squirming inside the coils of Würgi, who licked her into ecstacy with his forked tongue. She watched her crystal ball which showed Vampirellas efforts and egged her on. "Yes, Vamps, take it a bit deeper! Ooooh, your reaction was sooo predictable! Oops, I see Adams balls tremble... watching the Jukan-A TV channel...What a befitting ironic way for Vampirella to end being drowned in the cum of her lover... AAAH!" The look of the cum dripping out of Vampirellas nose brought Circe to orgasm. Würgi was trained to delve into her pussy at this moment. He squirmed too when the vagina walls firmly contracted around him. "Zis will get me another headache!" he coughed and pulled his coils taut. Circe passed out with a super orgasm.
"MMMFFF! MMMHHH!" commanded Vampirella, which probably meant: "Circe, you didn't do your homework - I don't drown that easy, be it water or cum. Remember my adventure with the McDaemons? Adam, can't you lift your hind leg to let me pass through?" But if you could have looked into Adams brain, you probably would have seen a sign "Temporarily closed down - Please try again later". It took Vampirella a few more squirms and a few more cumshots until she finally managed to get free. Unknotting the ropes was easy, after all she hung around with Pendragon for half of her life and learnt some tricks. "COUGH! I think I torture her a few years before I kill her..."
"Be vewwy quiet, I'm watching witches!"
This time, Vampirella had the element of surprise. "URK!" protested Würgi as he was tied into a knot and got Circes surplus strap-on dildo (which lied around conveniently) into the mouth as a gag. Circe still was only half conscious. She only dithered languidly when Vampirella carried her away. She barely escaped a fate as in-between snack as Vampirella had a better idea. As Vampirella tied her under the belly of Adam, she finally opened her eyes, but it was too late. "What you feel inside you is Adams dick," Vampirella explained. "Maybe it's a good feeling...Initially..." "OOOOH! He's stretching me to the max! I'm cumming! I'm cumming again! AAAAAH!" Circe moaned. "Vampirellas Lecture #1 about Horse Anatomy: Just learnt it the hard way. Before cumming, the male dickhead will swell to about quadruple size. I think even a half-goddess will be ripped apart." Of course this was a bluff, since women give birth daily (not the same woman, of course, that would be a drag) and are stretched much more in the process, but the felt diameter of her intruder made Circe panic. "And I doubt you are as good in the art of coming back from the dead as me...hmmm, the way Adam is rolling his eyes I estimate you bleed to death in three...two...here's your magic wand by the way...one..."
"NOOOO!" squealed Circe and made a gesture.
Three things happened at once.
1. Circe had another megagasm.
2. She issued a reverse spell turning Adam human again in the last moment.
3. In her orgasmic state, her spell was too powerful to be aimed and all other animals became human again too. They mostly were happy about that. Except the still knotted and now late Würgi...it was no pretty sight, I tell you.
Vampirella broke Circes wand into several pieces over her knee, poured a big bucket of water over the still stuck pair and commanded: "Get your dick out of her, you have had enough fun today with the wrong women or orifices! And I mean fast, if you want to have sex with me in this century again! OK, now to you, bitch..." Vampirella hacked her fangs into Circes jugular and took a deep drink. "Call yourself lucky that I'm somewhat not in the mood for a double homicide in cold blood," she declared and let the exhausted Circe fall down heedlessly. "Vampi, I swear I love only you, and anyway, weren't it you yourself who put my..." "Shaddap! Call yourself lucky too that my brilliant plan worked. Off we go, she's no threat anymore, and don't even think of a last pun."
Back home, Vampirella went for the Big Explanation Routine, which Adam only listened with a quarter of an ear. "You see, I could have offed Circe with my milk teeth but that wouldn't have broken her spell. And as lucky as you seemed to be, her whole pet zoo probably wanted to be human again. So I lifted the whole unicorn business from "Valerian and Veronique" - remember, in your role as Avatar of Light she couldn't turn you into an ugly toad - and nobody could get hurt due to the great healing magic of unicorns. Bah, you could have impaled her until your dick would have come out of her mouth again. Not recommended by the Kamasutra but might have been fun. Naturally I didn't tell Circe, she fell for it and everything is hunky dory."
"Vampirella, my tongue is going lame!" "AAAAAH! Another twelve orgasms OOOOOH! eleven and we're on even terms again!"
Well, Circe naturally adverted Vampirellas homicide remark to Adam. That is, until the day her period was overdue for the second time and she had a funny feeling in her belly. Her gynecologist was baffled. "According to the ultrasonic picture, you expect...a centaur folly?"
Moral: Stop being a mother or you'll be a mother soon - and always use a condom!