The Legion had a crisis gathering. (No, not THAT crisis.
Generic crisis.) "So what is it this time we have to save the
universe from?" Imra Ardeen asked, with even a touch of
boredom in her voice.
"Not exactly the universe, but it's bad enough. A primordial black hole. Had billions of years time to evaporate, but of all our luck, the big bang will be now. Judging from the increase in luminosity, now means now - two days maximum. And when it makes its final kerblooie, say goodbye to every civilisation ten lightyears around", Brainiac concluded his report. "Options?"
"Praying. This bastard has a mass of a billion tonnes, so no way Superman could tug in into the next trashbin or Matter-Eating Lad have it for breakfast. Believe me, I already checked every law of physics and found no way out. Evacuation of the space sector is a logistic impossibility, too. Any desperate ideas?" "Magic", said Saturn Girl. "And I know exactly the person who might have the saving outrageous idea."
"The Legion?" snapped Vampirella. "After all what happened...
what makes you so sure that I don't insert my teeth into your
jugular the next second?"
"The fact that I'm a telepath and it's pointless you pull off your Bad Girl routine? The fact that we both belong to the White Hats? Or maybe it's that this exploding black hole will give even the sun-resistent vampire type the tan of her undead life?" "When will you morons ever learn that I'm not undead? What about you falling onto your knees and saying 'Please,Please'?" "Please, please, and even if you'd insist on a hot lovenight..." "Pinky, I may be AC/DC sometimes if the gods of plot demand so but I'm no nymphomaniac..." Vampirella eyes widened. "This bed talk just gave me the flash of an idea. You call Smurfette, I call the next tentacle monster and...blah...whisper..." "WHAT?" "No, of course I'm not sure that it will work. Beats certain death, though. I have the nagging feeling that hell would be too hot for me this time."
"I shall do WHAT? Of course, idea courtesy by Vampirella. What does she think I am?" Shadow Lass snapped. "Our last chance. Close your eyes and think of Talok VIII. Which is in the desaster zone like anything else. All girls of the Legion would join you if neccessary - if you now play the prudish one. Tentacle monsters are said to be great lovers..." "OK, bug off, Imra, I'm already on the way. Eh...how?" "Astral teleportation." Saturn Girl whistled, and behind Tasmia appeared a monstrosity which stripped and wrapped her up in no time. "Enjoy the ride! Galaxys fate depends on that!" Imra yelled, but Shadow Lass already couldn't hear it, not because this peculiar monster had an ear penetration fetish, but they already were somewhere else.
Even a girl with an abrasive personality like Tasmia Mallor
could not resist the cunning lingual charms of a tentacle
monster for long. Much earlier than the black hole, she
exploded, in one orgasm after another. And with each
orgasm, her shadow field grew until it blocked off even
the Hawking radiation of the black hole who already
began to outshine a quasar. The tentacle monster was
thriving anyway because he had to do all the work and
Shadow Lass had all the fun. And then he was distracted
by a ring on the subether phone, the only channel not
blocked by Tasmias powers now. "...computationAAAAH!
...aboutOOOOH!...minuteMMMMMH!" "Sorry, Brainiac,
the connection is lousy!" He gagged Tasmia with a
tentacle. "OK, now it's better! What's up?" "Unbirth
manouvre! Now! Only 30 seconds to Tau Zero!"
The tentacle monster grabbed Tasmias legs and pulled her so that the black hole vanished in her vagina and finally made it up her womb. (This was easy on the size part - the Schwarzschild radius had microscopic dimensions - but needed precise aiming.) Then he stimulated Shadow Lass' body at every erogenous zone ot once.
Just when the black hole finally exploded, Shadow Lass enjoyed an orgasm of cosmic proportions. Her powers boosted to near singularity, her womb contained the energy of the explosion completely. Even Vampirella would have fainted from the sheer force of orgasm alone. But... "I've become Nyx, Goddess of the Night! Fear me, mortals!" With a heedless flick of her wrist, she threw away the tentacle monster into a nearby orbit. "Inju, chime in! Are we still alive?" Brainiac beeped again. "Yup, everything went according to plan, except that we now have an even bigger problem in form of an overinflated ego. Shadow Lass just became Dark Shadows." "Oops. Nevermind. Half as bad. Problems like these we encounter about monthly. We put it on the next crisis gathering on 'Various'."
Vampirella, though, would have a big blue problem soon...
Note added in proof: While the physics is well researched, the actual numbers have been fucked with or else the size, lifetime, mass or energy of the black hole wouldn't fit neither into Tasmias uterus nor the plotline demands. Sue me.