"This is K-PMS calling, with your Rabid Reporter Ratman on the mike.
Sports will never be the same again after this contest, which the media has
dubbed the 'Orgasm Olympiad'. "
"Well, you are probably tired of hearing the umpteenth retelling of the unbelievable chain of events that finally lead to this shindig, and I must say that if somebody would have told me that alien invaders, ten meters of duct tape and a misprogrammed fridge would change the fate of mankind, I would have suggested to him that he visit either the next shrink or SF con, whichever being nearer.
"Anyway, you know by now that the country losing this battle will encounter a most dire tape...eh, I mean fate. Will the Star-Spangled Banner become a star-mangled banner? Or will the Rising Sun of Nippon forever be eclipsed?
"The rules are bloody simple. Both countries will enter a contestant, and the one who has more orgasms, by whatever means, during the game time of twenty-four hours, is declared the winner. Numerous probands (naturally all female) have been tested to painstaking lengths in the months before this event, and the streets were full of squeals -
"And now! A cheer from the crowd! Here is Lai Mi, the Japanese contestant, with her pet Inju. For those who haven't seen a single Anime (Japanese animated cartoon) in their life, an Inju is a tentacled monster which lives on the ...uh, love juices of a woman. He might look hideous, but there is a warm heart under all those tentacles, and it's said that a woman who has had sex with an Inju ... and survived the endless orgasms ... will never ever be interested in feeble male humans again.
"The cheer turns into a roar! Enter Jenny Fondle, the American contestant, with the infamous Excessive Machine. Where the Japanese rely on tradition, the Americans rely on technology. It was a new Manhattan Project that brought thousands of scientists together to rebuild the machinery which the genius of Durand Durand invented, and it definitively serves mankind better than the atomic bomb. Sordidly, old DeeDee's machine didn't survive excessive usage, and the scientists first constructed it anew on the good old drawing board. Tons of medical sex research went into this mean gizmo, and it is said that even Barbarella couldn't blow its circuits."
"The referee from Aldebaran enters the scene. Everybody despises him equally, which also means everybody trusts him. Both contingents are sure that he will be absolutely fair and neutral. Some hotshots throw broccoli after him, which is an ancient Aldebaranese insult, but the referee stoically ignores them while police officers remove the source of the disturbance.
"The referee now winds the Clock of Doom, and the contest may start at any minute. If you wondering how he can count multiple orgasms correctly - he has telepathic abilities, and as a service to the two teams, the crowd, those watching on TV and to the press, he will twitch his noses for every orgasm scored by the USA, and wobble his ear for each Japanese point.
"It's almost quiet now. The referee gives the sign . . . and they're off! The American team pulls the main switch, and the Excessive Machine hums into motion. Evidently, they are handicapped in the starting phase because everything has to be revved up first, but they hope that the Inju will show signs of tiring and wearing out during the end game.
"Speaking of the Inju, he gave a flying...start. Within seconds, he has tied up Lai Mi in his tentacles (the women we asked about this - the surviving ones - told us that the feeling of complete helplessness adds to the lust). She tries to squeal, but that orifice is already filled. She pedals a bit with her hands and feet, but then goes limp into complete submission...
"And yes, first orgasm for Japan! Second! Third! Lai Mi is going off like a rocket! America will never catch up at this rate!
"Meanwhile, Jenny Fondle is winding herself in lust. The vibrators stimulate every square inch of her body. And then...a wild moan...a point for America! And another one! The scientists haven't promised too much. The crowd is going wild. This will be a most dramatic match!"
"If I'm reading the official scoreboard correctly...it's really hard with this crowd around me...the score at this moment is 534 to 428 in favor of Japan, but America has been catching up in the last hour. Is the Inju already getting weak? Of course, you have to forget the notion that Injus 'come' like a male human. That is just a bow to porn conventions in Anime films ... but the writhing of the tentacles is definitely slower now. There! He even retracts one tentacle from Lai Mi's mouth. She lets loose some unearthly squeak. Uh-oh. Speaking of vocal chords, I desperately need a glass of water!"
"You need steel nerves (and vocal chords) to be a commentator at this
unforgettable event. There only minutes left, and America has managed to
take the lead by the score of 930 to 920! The Inju is looking as if he could
collapse any moment. Will technology again triumph over biology?
"But what's this? A thin cloud of smoke is coming from the Excessive Machine! The technical crew is running around in panic looking for the source of the problem!
"Oh my God! A small explosion! Flames! Jenny Fondle's burning lust was just too much!
"What now? A crew member pulls his trousers down and tries the old-fashioned way. That is American pioneer spirit - but he can't manage to get through the red hot metal - where are the fire extinguishers, dammit?
"Meanwhile, Lai Mi, with her mouth free again, whispers a prayer to Cthulhu's stepmother. Yes, it works, the Inju seems to regain his strength. His tentacles tighten like a vice around her body. Her orgasms come faster now...yes, there are only seconds left...10-9-8- the poor referee's noses and ears have long ago gone almost limp - 1-0-OUT!!
"The crowd jumps up...I jump up...what does the bloody score sheet say... 1000:1000! It's a tie!!! This means trouble. Some cry, Sabotage, others cry Fix! Uh-oh, I see the first fist fights starting...this is turning into a free-for-all brawl...
"Hey, look where you are punching!... Why, you bastard!...AAA AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!..."
- THE ALDEBARAN TATTLER -
The so called 'Orgasm Olympiad' ended most tragically with war-like riots between fans from the two Earth nations. There with about 9000 fatalities and even more hospitalized. In an irony of fate, the only humans relatively unscathed were a K-PMS radio reporter (fell over a parapet, but landed softly on an Inju - the Inju needed an extra large aspirin after the incident), the American contestant (slight smoke poisoning) and the Japanese contestant (suction cap bruises). Our referee announced that the contest has to be repeated. Smell now our guest comment on the event by Etaoin Shrdlu...
The End (Not quite)