by T.C. Shanahan

Warning: This story is a parody of tentacle anime. It is not for children under 18, people with heart conditions, people who can't differentiate fact from fiction, the humorless, the Amish, the overly politically correct, and politicians who want to limit free speech. Oh, and I do not intend to offend anyone, I'm just bored and want to tell a cool story.

Part 1: Setup

This is my fault, thought Brian. This is all my fault. I should never have come to Japan.

It all started when Brian's 21st birthday coincided with college graduation, a double reason to party as far as his college buddies were concerned. So they decided to celebrate by taking Brian to Japan. Fortunately, they all spoke Japanese to various extents (due either to taking classes in it, to phrasebooks, or to catching up on the anime slang on the Internet), so communication wasn't a problem. One of the places they went to was a sex club. Brian went into a booth to watch a peep show. Minutes later, the lights came on, and Brian found himself staring into a room full of mirrors. He realized that these were one-way glass mirrors, where he could see into the room but nobody could see out.
Two young women were standing in the middle of the room. As some cheezy-sounding music that was apparently supposed to be erotic wafted from a speaker, the women began to strip out of their clothing as they paraded around, making seductive motions.
"Sir?" asked a voice in Japanese.
"Whaddya want?" Mike grunted, turning to see a cute young woman who was probably no older than eighteen.
"Would you like a handjob?" she asked.
"A...a handjob?" Brian asked, gulping nervously.
"Only thirty thousand yen," she said.(1)
"O...okay," said Brian nervously. Her pimp, or whoever owns this joint, will probably kill me if I don't have the cash, he thought.
The girl took the money and zipped open his pants. Making a "hmmm" of disapproval as she stared at Brian's two-inch nubbin, she did what she could. Brian sweated under her ministrations until she got him erect.
"Hmm, only four inches," she frowned.
"Hey!" Brian snapped indignantly. "I'm Jewish, OK? The bris went wrong. Besides, not everyone can be built like the studs in the porno movies."
She "hmmmed" again. Then she snapped her fingers and said something in rapid-fire Japanese.
"What? What're you saying?" asked Brian. "Speak slower, please."
"I said," she repeated, "I know someone who can help with that problem."
"Huh?" asked Brian. "Well, okay."
She said something to an older woman in rapid-fire Japanese, and the older woman seemed to give her approval for whatever it was.

As they walked, Brian and the girl talked. Her name was Achika, and she worked at the place ever since she was legal age. Her parents couldn't really stop her, at least not as long as she didn't get pregnant or anything, and they were hurting financially anyway. Brian's last name was Bernstein, he was from America, and he was here on vacation with his buds from college.
They stopped at a large, professional-looking establishment. Achika told them that Brian needed surgery to look like a porn stud. The doctors, or whatever they were, nodded, gently took Brian by the hand, and led him to a table, speaking too rapidly for him to understand. They put an anesthetic mask to his mouth and...

Brian regained consciousness. He didn't know how long he'd been out, but his entire body felt...different somehow. Maybe it was the anesthetic. Brian first opened his eyes. So far, so good; everything looked to be the right color and shape for a recovery room. Then he moved his arm in front of his face...
And screamed. (Lovecraftian shock italics here, please.) Because the thing before his face was not a human arm. (Thank you.) It was a slimy, sickly purple tentacle of some sort, rugose (2) like the hide of an elephant. As Brian looked down, he screamed again.
He was now some twenty feet tall, and resembled some hideous slug. Twelve tentacles sprouted from each shoulder where his arms had been. More such tentacles, four vertical rows of ten each, extended from his belly and groin.
One of the "doctors" walked in. "Ah, splendid!" said the doctor in Japanese. "You are awake and well."
"Well?!" screamed Brian. Even his voice sounded inhuman now, like the roar of a lion combined with the trumpet of an elephant. "You call THIS 'well'!?" He jumped up and down as best he could, causing mini-tremors.
"Yes, yes," said the doctor. "You are a most excellent specimen. A fine piece of genetic manipulation!"
"Listen, you baka,"(3) shouted Brian, "when I said I wanted to look like a porno star, I didn't mean something out of Urotsukidoji or La Blue Girl or anything like that!"
"Well, then, you should've specified," said the doctor angrily.
"Change me back, fucking now!" screamed Brian, jumping up and down some more. Cracks appeared in the concrete.
"Yes, yes, very well," said the doctor. "First we must..."
Suddenly, the crackings got louder. They both looked up, seeing a hunk of concrete from the ceiling come loose. The chunk landed on the doctor, crushing him into a paste and killing him instantly.
Brian did the only thing a sane, rational human (well, person at any rate) could.
Which is to say, he freaked. He smashed his way through the nearest wall, screaming in panic. "Help! Someone! Help me! I wanna change back! Help! AAAAHHH!"
Then he smashed into the lobby where Achika'd been waiting, and she freaked out and started screaming. By the time everything settled down, Brian had to blow the rest of his yen on paying for damages to the hospital.

Which brings us to the beginning of this story. While Brian was wallowing in self-pity, Achika said, "I know a few people who might be able to help. People in high places, people with medical or scientific connections. Maybe there's a way to change you back."
"Thanks, but what do I do in the meantime?" demanded Brian.
"The only thing you can do," said Achika, "which is to exchange e-mail addresses with me and go home to America."

(Editorial note: I didn't have all that much sex in this part of the story because I wanted Brian to get into his particular, uh, situation ASAP. Don't worry, there'll be plenty of it later. By the way, you're probably wondering, "How the hell did somebody this stupid graduate from college?" Or perhaps even, "How did somebody this stupid get into college in the first place?" Hey, man, it's a spoof. Cause and effect don't really mean anything.


(1) Approximately $30 American, IIRC.

(2) Meaning "wrinkled".

(3) Japanese for "stupid". But you probably already knew that.